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Feeling totally lost.

Roy

I’ve been diagnosed now for about six weeks and feel totally alone, I’m not sure if I even belong here, most of you seem to have degrees and read a lot, some hyperlexic. I seem to have been dealt the dyslexia and dysgraphia cards, I went to a terrible school, was bullied and left with no qualifications. Detention for poor handwriting was about the only help given.
I’ve tried to explain to just a few members of family and the one friend I had that I am actually autistic, I waited 3 1/2 years for a diagnosis, I’m not pretending to be autistic or making it up. I don’t expect people to gush, but just nothing.

I’ve read my report, there is doubt to whether I could ever live alone, I apparently rely heavily on my wife. I didn’t realise I have, I suppose disabilities. It’s shocked me.

I can’t afford private therapy, the best the NHS can offer is talking therapy on the telephone, I have an absolute phobia of telephones and don’t think I could talk to a total stranger, and yes I feel quilt for dismissing help. The friend I told sent back a message that I most probably need to organise myself better, everyone seems to think that I have coped for over 50 years so I can carry on as normal. The truth is I can mask so well that even I don’t see it.

I have absolutely nobody who I can explain to who actually understands, I know I have here but sometimes just someone to ask if I’m okay and mean it, not silly small talk. I suppose I want to be heard and seen as autistic but without cruel comments.

I always just feel stupid, I work for myself full time and don’t actually earn enough to pay tax, my wife pays the electricity bill for my workshop. I never change enough, I am the worst critic of my work, everyone else seems to think it’s amazing, i don’t see it.

I have just never felt so confused and lonely, I get up every morning and clock watch, hoping it will soon be bedtime. I enjoy bedtime as nothing is bombarding my senses. I don’t feel depressed, I just feel nothing. I not after sympathy, most probably just venting.

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  • Re feeling alone and not belonging here: the reason I have mostly left the forum is because most people here seem to have partners, children, friends etc while I am literally alone in the world and just find it too painful and alienating reading many of the posts here.

    I suppose the point I’m making is that there’s a range of people here, with different issues. If we let the forum be owned / dominated by the ones that (appear not to) have significant problems then none of us needing support will feel included or get the help we need here.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Personally,  I’m always happy to see you here, we all have a common bond, but are also totally different. We are a spectrum of neurodivergent people in more ways than one. I am lucky to live with others but still often feel alone, I often feel like a dog living with cats. Always feel you can message me, obviously only if you want to.

  • in reply to Roy

    Thanks Roy.

    Re your current feelings, part of it is probably coming to terms with your diagnosis. I think it was almost two years before I really processed my diagnosis and even now I am at a loss as to a way forward because of the lack of any kind of support.

    I have had three shots at private therapy and it was a waste of time. I’m coming to the opinion that the therapy industry is really quite exploitative.

    i wish I had answers for you.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Thanks, I forget that it’s still early days, I do mourn the  child I was and get angry with myself as well. I shouldn’t have let myself be manipulated for most of my life. A diagnosis has answered a lot of questions, it has also created a lot as well.  Take care.

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