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Feeling totally lost.

Roy

I’ve been diagnosed now for about six weeks and feel totally alone, I’m not sure if I even belong here, most of you seem to have degrees and read a lot, some hyperlexic. I seem to have been dealt the dyslexia and dysgraphia cards, I went to a terrible school, was bullied and left with no qualifications. Detention for poor handwriting was about the only help given.
I’ve tried to explain to just a few members of family and the one friend I had that I am actually autistic, I waited 3 1/2 years for a diagnosis, I’m not pretending to be autistic or making it up. I don’t expect people to gush, but just nothing.

I’ve read my report, there is doubt to whether I could ever live alone, I apparently rely heavily on my wife. I didn’t realise I have, I suppose disabilities. It’s shocked me.

I can’t afford private therapy, the best the NHS can offer is talking therapy on the telephone, I have an absolute phobia of telephones and don’t think I could talk to a total stranger, and yes I feel quilt for dismissing help. The friend I told sent back a message that I most probably need to organise myself better, everyone seems to think that I have coped for over 50 years so I can carry on as normal. The truth is I can mask so well that even I don’t see it.

I have absolutely nobody who I can explain to who actually understands, I know I have here but sometimes just someone to ask if I’m okay and mean it, not silly small talk. I suppose I want to be heard and seen as autistic but without cruel comments.

I always just feel stupid, I work for myself full time and don’t actually earn enough to pay tax, my wife pays the electricity bill for my workshop. I never change enough, I am the worst critic of my work, everyone else seems to think it’s amazing, i don’t see it.

I have just never felt so confused and lonely, I get up every morning and clock watch, hoping it will soon be bedtime. I enjoy bedtime as nothing is bombarding my senses. I don’t feel depressed, I just feel nothing. I not after sympathy, most probably just venting.

Parents

  • Hello Roy, I also left school without qualifications, I left in the first year of secondary school and never went back mostly due to bullying. I don’t class myself as particularly intelligent but I believe you are from how you write and articulate yourself. You also cannot help having autism and other issues, would you look so down on others if they had the same issues as you or would you feel more empathy? 

  • in reply to Autismman

    Thanks for replying, sorry you went through a similar situation. I don’t think I did see disability properly, I imagine we are all guilty of seeing someone with an obvious disability and not seeing the person behind it, or what other unseen disability they may have. 


    I've always relied on teaching myself anything I’ve needed to learn, I can do it in a way that suits me, I used to drive my maths teacher crackers, I would normally get the correct answer but worked it out in a totally different way, she just couldn’t understand why?

    Im so glad for spellcheck, without it, you wouldn’t understand anything I write, I often confuse the spellcheck!

  • in reply to Roy
    Roy said:
    I don’t think I did see disability properly

    Me either, I often thought I would see it in myself if I had any. I figured I was just the way I was and it wasn’t going to change because it’s my personality. However somethings we have little control of, I can’t get any dopamine or excitement from social interactions. I am better one on one in a quiet environment that’s because there’s less distraction but even then sometimes I find my mind wandering when the conversation starts to die off and I run out of things to say or energy to force some small talk out. I still use spellcheck a lot, some sites try to force American English which gets a little more confusing!

  • in reply to Autismman

    My wife has informed me of evening occasions before, “you will be okay, Mary’s husband will be there, you will both have lots to talk about.” I’ve never met this person, I have no prepared script, what are his hobbies and work? Plan B, start an argument and not go. If I had to go I would stand in the corner of the kitchen, observe the party and drink my body weight in beer. Obviously hoping to nod and smile at the correct times. “You can take your coat off.” I didn’t know I was staying this long.

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  • in reply to Autismman

    My wife has informed me of evening occasions before, “you will be okay, Mary’s husband will be there, you will both have lots to talk about.” I’ve never met this person, I have no prepared script, what are his hobbies and work? Plan B, start an argument and not go. If I had to go I would stand in the corner of the kitchen, observe the party and drink my body weight in beer. Obviously hoping to nod and smile at the correct times. “You can take your coat off.” I didn’t know I was staying this long.

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