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Feeling totally lost.

Roy

I’ve been diagnosed now for about six weeks and feel totally alone, I’m not sure if I even belong here, most of you seem to have degrees and read a lot, some hyperlexic. I seem to have been dealt the dyslexia and dysgraphia cards, I went to a terrible school, was bullied and left with no qualifications. Detention for poor handwriting was about the only help given.
I’ve tried to explain to just a few members of family and the one friend I had that I am actually autistic, I waited 3 1/2 years for a diagnosis, I’m not pretending to be autistic or making it up. I don’t expect people to gush, but just nothing.

I’ve read my report, there is doubt to whether I could ever live alone, I apparently rely heavily on my wife. I didn’t realise I have, I suppose disabilities. It’s shocked me.

I can’t afford private therapy, the best the NHS can offer is talking therapy on the telephone, I have an absolute phobia of telephones and don’t think I could talk to a total stranger, and yes I feel quilt for dismissing help. The friend I told sent back a message that I most probably need to organise myself better, everyone seems to think that I have coped for over 50 years so I can carry on as normal. The truth is I can mask so well that even I don’t see it.

I have absolutely nobody who I can explain to who actually understands, I know I have here but sometimes just someone to ask if I’m okay and mean it, not silly small talk. I suppose I want to be heard and seen as autistic but without cruel comments.

I always just feel stupid, I work for myself full time and don’t actually earn enough to pay tax, my wife pays the electricity bill for my workshop. I never change enough, I am the worst critic of my work, everyone else seems to think it’s amazing, i don’t see it.

I have just never felt so confused and lonely, I get up every morning and clock watch, hoping it will soon be bedtime. I enjoy bedtime as nothing is bombarding my senses. I don’t feel depressed, I just feel nothing. I not after sympathy, most probably just venting.

Parents

  • Is your wife happy playing this role? Are you happy with your work? If yes to these, then it is not so bad.

    Get some advice on what to charge if it bothers you or you need the money.

    Why did you want a diagnosis? What problems are you having?

    If there is nothing urgent then relax and don't beat yourself up.

    Find something fun to do and allow yourself to enjoy it.

    I am starting to think I am overthinking stuff. I am trying to get some normality back.

    I need to write down what I want to do or change and start doing them. Try to be clear what you are confused about.

    This is how I figured some stuff out, just keep drilling into it a questioning yourself and your assumptions.

    Over the last 3 days I spent over 4 hours sitting in the church thinking. I had a load of wine last night, alcohol has been a coping strategy for over 40 years so why not. I did try to stop but what for. Anyway, I am getting my thoughts straightened out.

    Don't worry about academic qualifications. It just means people have their heads filled up with more irrelevant stuff. The real world is what matters, and that is mostly based on experience. Don't feel inferior.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thank you for your reply, my wife isn’t terribly happy paying my utility bills, we have come to an agreement that the workshop must go. I’ve not been happy at work for years. I’m trying to get back into my interests, but don’t feel the love at the moment.

    I went for a diagnosis for clarity, I too overthink most things, I always knew I was different, just never knew why, as I get older my struggles or quirks have just become more noticeable.

    A lot of stress at the moment is we have downsized and bought the restoration property in Cornwall, we are  still living in our  hometown, with me trying to finish the car restorations I took on, we are living in two rented rooms at my mothers house and paying her practically a small mortgage, my mother isn’t the easiest person to live with and the rent uses up money we need to spend on the house. It’s still cheaper than renting a flat. I’m taking up so much time at work that I’m not working on the house which is 250 miles away.

    I most probably just need to get on with work and move to Cornwall, I really love the project and house, I think it will give me focus.

    I will be at 500 days of sober tomorrow, I started drinking at the age of 15, I seemed more normal. I don’t really feel any better, I’m not preaching to you, if it helps you at the moment, then it’s most probably right for you. 

Reply
  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thank you for your reply, my wife isn’t terribly happy paying my utility bills, we have come to an agreement that the workshop must go. I’ve not been happy at work for years. I’m trying to get back into my interests, but don’t feel the love at the moment.

    I went for a diagnosis for clarity, I too overthink most things, I always knew I was different, just never knew why, as I get older my struggles or quirks have just become more noticeable.

    A lot of stress at the moment is we have downsized and bought the restoration property in Cornwall, we are  still living in our  hometown, with me trying to finish the car restorations I took on, we are living in two rented rooms at my mothers house and paying her practically a small mortgage, my mother isn’t the easiest person to live with and the rent uses up money we need to spend on the house. It’s still cheaper than renting a flat. I’m taking up so much time at work that I’m not working on the house which is 250 miles away.

    I most probably just need to get on with work and move to Cornwall, I really love the project and house, I think it will give me focus.

    I will be at 500 days of sober tomorrow, I started drinking at the age of 15, I seemed more normal. I don’t really feel any better, I’m not preaching to you, if it helps you at the moment, then it’s most probably right for you. 

Children
  • in reply to Roy

    Seems the diagnosis didn't come at the best time.

    Try to view the current period as a transition. It will be over soon enough and you can move and it'll be better.

    Then you'll have something you want to do in a different location. I think it will then become easier.

    When stressed my thoughts become more disordered and I  lose perspective.

    I'd try to focus on getting the cars completed as quick as possible, I am sure you are. Tis is what seems to be holding you up.

    Do you actually need to finish them? Can you negotiate with the owners to leave something and they can get it done elsewhere?

    (I cut down the drinking on Jan and had a couple of dry months. I try to keep to 14 units on average a week.)