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Anyone else experience similar?

Autismman

I was due to go to like a stall or street party type thing today with the family and figured it would be some sort of like walkthrough event not needing to stop for long and plenty of ways out without being totally surrounded by others but that wasn’t the case. I got there and it’s a rather small cornered off event with two ways in and out and at least 40/50 people there. I will never understand for the life of me how that type of experience could be remotely enjoyable. Again, I feel like a killjoy but all these strangers chatting away having the time of their lives and I was thinking of ways out, managed to sneak away and get a coffee so I could sit alone for a bit. There are times when I wish I could at least pretend with these things for the sake of my family but I haven’t got that in me and I can’t help but think they wish I could blend in too. As I’ve gotten older I have retracted a lot more like a tortoise into his shell and mask less because it’s far too tiring all the time. When I say mask less I just outright don’t attend family events unless it’s a really important one and even then I won’t speak much more than needed. This is just how I like to live, I don’t think many NTs understand this.

Parents

  • I’ve had similar in the past, my neighbours started the, “would you like to come round for a bbq, drinks and nibbles?” I know I should be glad to have company, but I’m quite happy if they stay in their house and I stay in mine. Buying a house next to me doesn’t make us blood brothers. I end up standing in the corner of the kitchen and observing, I still manage to be in the way even standing in a corner. I normally glaze over when they start to talk about the weather or football, all men are supposed to be knowledgeable about football, I’ve never watched a whole game.

  • in reply to Roy

    Mee too Roy, the only football I watch is my eldest son. 
    The standing in the corner made me giggle, that’s exactly what I would do and yes I still manage to be in someone’s way.

  • in reply to Take5

    Standing in the corner doing the fake emotionless smile whenever someone looks your way, looking at the clock wishing time away or for others to get distracted so you can leave quietly and hopefully have enough time to still engage in your interests. Then half wondering if you should have put in the effort to say goodbye then eventually stop caring because you are out of there!

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  • in reply to Take5

    Standing in the corner doing the fake emotionless smile whenever someone looks your way, looking at the clock wishing time away or for others to get distracted so you can leave quietly and hopefully have enough time to still engage in your interests. Then half wondering if you should have put in the effort to say goodbye then eventually stop caring because you are out of there!

Children
  • in reply to Autismman

    You are so right. 100% accurate 

  • in reply to Roy

    Thanks for sharing that Roy, I can easily relate to that story. I have a big family event coming up this afternoon and I’ve already decided I will stick it out for 2/3 hours for the sake of making an appearance, say hello to people, speak when spoken to and go find a quiet place when that need to evacuate arrives. That moment I am away is like a drug, freedom and fresh air hits you and it’s bliss. When I have something coming up I’d really rather not do I tend to obsess about it and it really effects my moods, it may be something as simple as a dentist visit but because it’s me having to make time and go out of my way it feels like a waste of time even if I’ve made the appointment myself!

  • in reply to Autismman

    You have exactly described many social occasions, I just couldn’t workout why everyone else was having a good time, they seemed to know exactly the right thing to say, all my thoughts would be on when I could go home. It really was like standing outside and looking in through the window, anxiety and just puzzlement, trying to workout  how they interacted, I did feel like a robot that was trying to learn.

    The weird thing was that I never felt sad for not being like them, I often used the time to carry on a project in my head or solve an issue with it.

    Weddings were the worst, a whole day of being overwhelmed or overstimulated, the dreaded photographer spending hours trying to photograph everything and everyone, I would get asked to smile a bit more, I thought I was smiling, it just didn’t seem to come out.

    The saviour was once the evening music started, I could escape without being noticed, I can remember just walking around a park as it had space and quiet, the days leading up to a big event was hell, I would stop talking, this then made my wife angry with me. There is  understanding now we know why I find these things so difficult, in the past my wife has attended many things on her own.

    If someone had told me I struggled because I’m autistic, I wouldn’t have believed them. I never will be a pack animal.