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Anyone else experience similar?

Autismman

I was due to go to like a stall or street party type thing today with the family and figured it would be some sort of like walkthrough event not needing to stop for long and plenty of ways out without being totally surrounded by others but that wasn’t the case. I got there and it’s a rather small cornered off event with two ways in and out and at least 40/50 people there. I will never understand for the life of me how that type of experience could be remotely enjoyable. Again, I feel like a killjoy but all these strangers chatting away having the time of their lives and I was thinking of ways out, managed to sneak away and get a coffee so I could sit alone for a bit. There are times when I wish I could at least pretend with these things for the sake of my family but I haven’t got that in me and I can’t help but think they wish I could blend in too. As I’ve gotten older I have retracted a lot more like a tortoise into his shell and mask less because it’s far too tiring all the time. When I say mask less I just outright don’t attend family events unless it’s a really important one and even then I won’t speak much more than needed. This is just how I like to live, I don’t think many NTs understand this.

Parents
  • Autismman said:
    There are times when I wish I could at least pretend with these things for the sake of my family but I haven’t got that in me

    I feel this too, but I used to have to put myself into crowded, intense situations on a regular basis with work and I developed a way of changing my mindset to be able to get in there.

    I guess it is a form of masking but I prep myself by thinking of the positives, the benefits of socialising and being able to network, do my job (I was an IT Service Delivery manager at the time) and be able to hear people complain about a service I was responsible for.

    Reading up on small talk was a huge help as was understanding psychology in the workplace so I could read the situations much better and be able to join in the small group conversations without standing out.

    It took a fairly frequent reminder to stay in the "role" to enjoy it but I found I could do this by chatting with the people I knew and liked in the company (I knew hundreds of them so had quite a few favourites), plus there was often food and drink to enjoy which is always good for me.

    Once I felt my battery start to run low I knew it was time to take a break and I would bow out having given the company IT face to be seen and my duties completed.

    Sometimes I could go on much longer with the right company, typically one who shared one of my special interests and I could survive 4 or 5 hours before wanting to go home.

    So in essence it was preparation, psyching myself up to a mindset to enjoy it, masking/scripting and chosing my exit time.

    I'm lucky in that I can tolerate a lot of stress for long periods without meltdown but this took many years of practice.

    2 years after retiring from that life I can pick and choose when I want to socialise and have a much healthier battery life so can take on things I would not previously have considered. Understanding my autism has helped tremendously in doing this.

Reply
  • Autismman said:
    There are times when I wish I could at least pretend with these things for the sake of my family but I haven’t got that in me

    I feel this too, but I used to have to put myself into crowded, intense situations on a regular basis with work and I developed a way of changing my mindset to be able to get in there.

    I guess it is a form of masking but I prep myself by thinking of the positives, the benefits of socialising and being able to network, do my job (I was an IT Service Delivery manager at the time) and be able to hear people complain about a service I was responsible for.

    Reading up on small talk was a huge help as was understanding psychology in the workplace so I could read the situations much better and be able to join in the small group conversations without standing out.

    It took a fairly frequent reminder to stay in the "role" to enjoy it but I found I could do this by chatting with the people I knew and liked in the company (I knew hundreds of them so had quite a few favourites), plus there was often food and drink to enjoy which is always good for me.

    Once I felt my battery start to run low I knew it was time to take a break and I would bow out having given the company IT face to be seen and my duties completed.

    Sometimes I could go on much longer with the right company, typically one who shared one of my special interests and I could survive 4 or 5 hours before wanting to go home.

    So in essence it was preparation, psyching myself up to a mindset to enjoy it, masking/scripting and chosing my exit time.

    I'm lucky in that I can tolerate a lot of stress for long periods without meltdown but this took many years of practice.

    2 years after retiring from that life I can pick and choose when I want to socialise and have a much healthier battery life so can take on things I would not previously have considered. Understanding my autism has helped tremendously in doing this.

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    I think you have a real strong point with the needing preparation. It’s doomed to fail without scripting what I may say or trying to predict the lines of conversation before hand, those lines will depend on the context of the social gathering. Getting into that role is where you have to make a personal effort and a conscious one. I’ve dabbled with it before, I often see myself in the minds eye in 3rd person acting out a scene or nodding in a way that will appear I am focused and interested in the conversation.