My masking has led me to be very much to trying to please people, and feelings such as opening up about romantic feelings for someone has been so buried that I don’t even know how to access those feelings. I’m slowly getting better but I’ve buried them under nice sounding phrases like “I’m taking my time” and “I’m not ready yet”.
I really find such feelings, and even feelings that express anger and frustration hard to access in the moment, because I’m used to masking to something more acceptable. Which means often I retreat into my head and go silent until there’s a safer space to express feelings.
I feel all this bottling of feelings about many things makes me feel as if I’ve left parts of myself in different points in the timeline of my life, and I feel unable to grow. I opened up to a counsellor about this today and the thought of opening up on this made me feel for a brief moment that there could be hope for being able to have a relationship.
Recently, I’ve been close to defeat, knowing that my people pleasing and my struggle to access my real emotions block me from being able to even go forward with a relationship, and I would really like that. I would love to try.
i don’t know if this resonates with anyone…
