I realised over the past few years that my masks were both listening to others and getting others to speak, and having some sort of achievement of my own or something I could talk about with people. Other than that, I realise I find it really difficult to speak. If I show my full self at the moment, it’s me being depressed, really lost, and circling around. It’s heavy and not something I want to put on people. After all, everyone gets those feelings.
I really don’t know what to do without those masks. I can’t speak much about myself and my life without feeling negative or trying to pretend I’m connected to something, and that is essential for deep meaningful connection right? Having that back and forth, having memories to connect to, and lots of humour.
I can’t lie so find it difficult to even fake the mask just so I can keep a good conversation going, and I feel as if I’m still very naive about the world, so I feel I have nothing to add to a conversation.
Something I’m dealing with and facing is the silences in conversation. It’s a scary thing to face, but I’m trying to sit with it, or even open up about my fear of the silences to some closer friends. And trying to be okay with the fact of “can I have friends even if I’ve got nothing to say or little to contribute? Will they still love me as I am, without the masks?”
