Managing overwhelm at work

Wishing you all the best and do take heart that you wouldn’t have been recruited for this job if you didn’t have the skills to do it. We all need coping strategies to get through the tougher elements of our lives

I have this year, at 56 years old, finally realised what a healthy relationship with work is supposed to be.

I have spent all my life prioritising work over everything. I never understood how other people had holidays, a private life, did things on their time off, had relationships, etc.

My record was 110 hrs in one week, but I did 70+ hrs every week for 15 years. I did not take time off in lieu, travelled in my own time etc.

I took it far too seriously. I am not sure why, I think I wanted to get approval or status, I think I wanted things to go well and took it all too personally. No one else did to the same extent.

I just do 40 hrs a week now and just work at a steady pace.

I would say try to set some boundaries, don't think the world is on your shoulders, be clear what you need to deliver, don't think everything needs to be perfect. If you need help then ask, don't do it all yourself. If you can, delegate, get training if needed if you struggle with this. Don't try to cover for everyone else, which is what I did. Other people also need to deliver. It is your job to manage this not to do everything yourself.

Try to make time to smile and find ways to switch off at home, with drinking a bottle of wine preferably.

Hello Remigirl,

Hopefully this link works for you:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/employment/what-support-can-i-get-at-work

Best wishes, 

Anna Mod

Thank you for this. I can't access the link unfortunately as it is not found but I will try to search for it and see what is available :)

I have experience in management previously but I have just started this job only 4 weeks prior so everything is all fresh for me. I have been open with my line manager about asd but I will definitely think about doing a wellbeing plan for this role. It's something that I have not yet thought of with everything else going on. Thank you for your response too 

You are right, I seem to have a deadly fear of the unknown. I have a need to be perfect and have an answer for everything or it means I am stupid and being judged. I know in my logical mind that not everyone can have an answer for everything all of the time, and it's perfectly okay for me to not know and be honest about it, but the dread of it eats me up and in turn creates a worse environment mentally. 

That is really helpful advice and actually really helped my situation yesterday. I think you're right that the fear and shock takes control and I think of every worst case scenario and only that. I will ruminate for weeks on end until it is over and I feel physically ill because of it. So stepping away and having a breather really helped.

I will look at breaking it down and implementing this in future also. I really appreciate your time and advice. i struggle with being my biggest critic and that is at my own detriment, so definitely something to work on.

Thank you for replying. I most definitely am pushed out my comfort zone on a day to day basis - I have meetings most days which I can handle to an extent but it's times that feel more overwhelming it just feels out of control and that I am uncapable of 'normal interactions'. 
My manager is aware and very open with me, however most of my colleagues aren't aware as I am new in post and don't have the relationships yet. 

Taking stock of my surroundings sounds like it would be manageable for me, as I often find myself disassociating and trying to keep myself present, especially when meetings are back to back.

Thank you so much for your response, in providing practical support and emotional validation. You have given me an outlook into something that was causing me a great deal of anxiety, almost to the point of I need to quit as I am not good enough ( which seems to be a common theme in my life). 

I will most definitely be looking into a therapist as this is something I have been back and forth with for some time. Also looking to implement more training to help me feel better equipped. Thank you again for your inspiration and support. 

Dear Remigirl,

Thank you for reaching out to the online community. I can see you have already had some really good responses. 

Workplaces can offer reasonable adjustments to make your job role more accessible. https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/employment/what-support-can-i-get-at-work. 

It may be helpful to look at what would make these workshops and training sessions easier to manage. For example may it be helpful to ask people to write down their questions for you to answer at the end? 

I hope this is helpful,

Olivia Mod

Are you new in the management post? If not are the feelings worse at the moment or have you found mechanisms that worked for you before have stopped working? Or has the working context changed?

I only ask as I’m a manager and sometimes have similar feelings, but they became worse about a year ago when it all started to build up. I would recommend trying to take some time to think of things that would make these aspects of your job more manageable for you (if you plan to stay in that role of course). I wrote a wellbeing plan for myself recently and discussed it with my manager which has made a big difference. Lots of small things that just make things easier.

It is fear of the unknown. I used to have this a lot when younger.

The main things are:

1. To have adequate notice. The initial shock and fear will be there but you will have some time to prepare. Once you have slept on something it seems less bad. 
2. To break things down into smaller tasks so it does not seem so scary. You will find some of them you can do. You can ask for help or delegate on others. You can look to see what was done before.

Notice the initial feeling, then go get a cup of tea and think of something else. Once the shock has gone you will be able to have some ideas.

You don't have to know the answer to everything. It is ok to get back to people or ask for tine to check something.

I have managed to go from being terrified to use a phone or say hello to someone and stammering, to being able to stand up in international standards meetings with 100+ people, mostly strangers, and talk using a microphone, or present in  boardrooms. I even do things off the top of my head, as long as it's in a familiar environment.

Of course some new things still make me anxious, it never goes and I hate the feeling in my chest and the sweaty palms, but you learn to manage it. It diminishes with confidence.

You would not be in your position if they thought you couldn't do it. You don't need to be perfect, just as good as anyone else. If no one else could do it any better then you don't have to be hard on yourself.

My biggest critic was myself. I always wanted things to be super polished and professional. But you can only do what you can do. It takes a long time to become comfortable with that.

I work as an employment specialist helping people with disabilities find/excel at work. The job is very social, as not only do I have do work with people that are unpredictable, I also often have to do cold calls and drop ins with potential employers as well. It really pushes me outside of my comfort zone, and I’ve many times faced overwhelm.

For me, probably what helps the most is knowing that my coworkers have my back. They know my diagnoses, so they’re aware that sometimes I might get a little over my head. I’ve had a few times where my boss has been willing to go to bat for me with a troubling situation.

In regards to mindfulness and grounding yourself, I can understand that you’re probably in social situations where you can’t immediately ground yourself. In those cases, I tend to take stock internally of “what can I control versus what can’t I control.” That can be a quick trick to remind yourself that you don’t have to be responsible for every thing, especially things that someone else is in charge of such as their own emotions.

I hope that helps, I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. That’s got to be exhausting to go through a whole workday masking your fight or flight response.

Remigirl said:

I fear ALL of it, not knowing how to act/speak, what questions will people ask and what if I don't know the answers, and so on.

There are 2 prongs to the approach I would take in your situation and they worked well for me.

1 - Ask for management training on the subjects you are dealing with. This will make sure you know how it should be done, what sort of stuff is likely to be asked and should also include roleplay to get you practiced in dealing with the stuff that scares you.

This should build your confidence and capabilities.

2 - for personal development learn how to apply mindfulness. It will help you in your prep and with practice in managing the anxiety.

You will learn how to manage the "what if" scenarios by capturing them on paper and applying reason to contro them. There will always be something you did not anticipate so scripting a response for this (sort of a "I'll need to check into this and get back to you" appoach) is the most effective way of isolating these from interfering with the rest of the session.

If you can afford it then working with a psychotherapist is a great option to deal with the anxiety too. It is also a great forum for understanding why you have these fears (often they are trauma responses) and can help you get more control over them which is a great way to lowering stress overall in your life.

I was able to move from a nervous team manager to senior project manager running board meetings with two merging companies within a few months by doing this. Having good training at your disposal and ideally a mentor (or at a push, a coach) is a great way to work on your weaknesses while benefitting your employer.

There will always be a nagging imposter syndrome in the back of your mind in my experience but trust your training and track record and it is surprising what you can achieve in spite of being autistic.