Hello. I’m a 55 year old female, recently diagnosed with autism, and have been going through an emotional rollercoaster since the assessment.
On the one hand, it’s relief that comes with validation of struggle. It explains so much about my life – not just the obvious stuff, like difficulty with human interaction and jobs, but also some stuff that I hadn’t initally realised was related (like my insomnia, and extreme sensory responses). It hasn’t just been in my head, and I wasn’t being deliberately difficult.
On the other hand, just because struggle has been validated doesn’t mean it will go away. The world will continue in the same way, and I will continue to fail to fit in.
The assessment itself dragged a lot of stuff up that I’d been more-or-less managing to keep a lid on. I now feel acutely aware of how little I am understood by the people around me, and how alone that makes me. I’m questioning quite how robust my coping mechanisms are. And I’m even more conscious than usual about how I’m interacting with people and what I’m saying.
And, of course, it’s never nice having your personality laid bare. And this isn’t a situation where people are trying to say nice things about you: this is the warts and all version which justifies the diagnosis.
And then, like many people, there’s the grief. A lifetime of wasted opportunities, due to lack of understanding on my part and on others.
For a long time I’ve been surviving alone in my bubble, but my bubble currently feels quite fragile.
A lot of people who read this will have experienced something similar. Does anyone have any advice on how to get through this stage of the rollercoaster, other than the obvious (i.e. time)?
Thanks!
