Hi everyone,
I haven't logged on for a while and selfishly really only ever do when I have troubles I'm afraid.
I was diagnosed with ASD back in my mid 30's so I'm sure many of you will relate to life's struggles being on the spectrum etc. I'm approaching my mid 40's now and recently have had a new tattoo that has made me go through a lot of different emotions ever since I've had it, and I'm about to share my story to gather opinions or maybe even hear some peoples experiences similar to mine that may be able to comfort me or offer me some advice?
Firstly my interests are football, radio control cars/boats, going to the gym and I also enjoy playing games either on my PC or games console.
Just last week I went into a tattoo place to enquire about the possibility of getting my new tattoo and how much it would cost. I was with my wife at the time and we both ended up getting one done. I had chosen my tattoo of a Medieval Swordsman that I found off a web search and thought it looked really cool. I have a fascination with the medieval era with regards to castles which I have visited plenty and I'm just awestruck every time I visit one. I also play Age of Empires on the PC and Chivalry 2 on the PS5.
So long story short I got my tattoo done on my forearm of what I though was my Medieval Swordsman dressed in his armour and with what looked like to me the St Georges Cross. The tattooist was a really nice person and I actually enjoyed chatting about our similar interests regarding Vikings and various other interests. I was amazed at how good my tattoo looked on my arm and was elated as I felt I had my own time piece for ever with me and talked about getting a castle done further up my arm at some point.
Only my sheer enjoyment of my new tattoo came very soon with a total amount of sadness and regret when I showed my father a picture of it. He said why have you got that done and I said because I love the medieval era. He said do you know what it is and I said yes its a medieval swordsman and he replied yes but its a crusader too.
I'll be honest as much as I like the medieval era I didn't have a clue about a crusader so started to immediately research about them and I was absolutely sickened and riddled with anxiety having panic attacks and all sorts for fear of what my friends and family would now think of me. To be honest the friends I've shown it to were asking me where I got it done because it looks that good.
All week I've been reading up on them with mixed stories or good and bad. I even found a film to watch called Kingdom of Heaven that I watched to try and see what the crusades were about.
So as you can imagine I've been off my food, anxiety through the roof and I've been wearing sleeved shirts for work in case anybody could become offended of my tattoo. I'm worried I could lose my job and be looked down upon as far right or a thug now which is completely the opposite to the person I am. I am one of the most honest hardworking, kind individuals you could ever meet but I cannot help but worry about what people may think of me now. I treat everyone I ever meet with kindness no matter what sex, religion or gender they are.
So my question to you good people is what would you do if you were me or it was a family member that had made this same choice just through their own fascination of a time period but even though the bad things happened over 800 years ago and its part of our history I can now run the risk of being ill thought of by people who don't know me. Its a story of my life making mistakes and although my tattoo means different to me than what someone else may interpret it, its a scary situation.
My wife has told me to stop worrying but I keep thinking over and over about what I can do about it. I love my tattoo but I'm also really worried someone for some reason could be offended by looking at it. I have read its legal to have a crusader tattoo so I've not done anything wrong in that regard but it could interfere with my job if anyone found out I'm really sad.
I've been on chatgpt to see it it can design me a less offensive version but they look stupid and I don't want to have it lasered off either. I really am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
But since a week has gone on I'm kind of coming around to my wife's way of thinking by which the tattoo to me is a mixture of my fascination of medieval plus the St George's cross is the flag of my nationality and where I'm from. So now my emotions have gone from anxiety and feeling beat up about the situation to feeling like why should I feel ashamed over my tattoo that means something to me and not how the rest of the world may interpret it.
I really am confused riddled with high levels of anxiety and anger too very overwhelmed by my situation.
If anyone has had similar experiences or any advice or opinion that may help me feel better I would very much appreciate it.
If you've managed to get this far thank you for taking your time to read my miserable story.
