• Replies 2 replies
  • Subscribers 79 subscribers
  • Views 145 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

I keep upsetting my partner and I don't know I'm doing it.

james424

Hi everyone.

So my partner and I have hit a rough patch and she threw something at me which really hurt. Apparently I keep saying things which upset her (she is also ND with ADHD and can be upset quite easily) and I genuinely and honestly don't know I've done it. I literally have zero ability to lie, so I will always tell her the truth. But it seems that maybe I'm being too blunt or too honest. I love her so much and knowing I've upset her, has upset me. I certainly don't say or do anything intentionally, and it's killing me that I'm doing it and not even realising. I've always known that I lack any subtlety, but this seems to be something thats getting more noted. I am going through a really unsettled patch in my life now and I know that burn out and stress can really exacerbate ASD symptoms. But I have no idea where to start getting it under control.

Have any of you got any advice, or suffered anything similar? I'll take anything I can get right now!!!

James.

  • in reply to Iain

    I have told her and asked her to give me examples, but we were mid argument so probably not the best time for her to come up with examples. Like you say, let the dust settle.

    I do have counselling coming up in a few weeks and I have asked for an ND experienced person which was more than readily agreed. Which I found really reassuring. It’s not so much what I say, she values honesty above all else - it’s more how i say it. Think sledge hammer and plate glass window. It’s something I’ve always done, I just always put it down to being blunt. I just need to work out how to reign it in and add some softness to it.

  • james424 said:
    I genuinely and honestly don't know I've done it.

    My advice would be to tell this to her and ask her to explain what you have done as you cannot grow and become a better partner without it. It may be best to go over this once the heat of the moment has passed but before it fades from memory - the next day of often the best time for me.

    james424 said:
    I literally have zero ability to lie, so I will always tell her the truth

    If this causes pain to your partner then I would suggest getting some help in being able to script responses to the situations where your issue is going to cause someone else pain.

    The solution is often a "white lie" approach to salve their feelings and if you think you can give them such a response to avoid pain then it is so much better than the alternative. Obviously for something bit or important then don't do it.

    If you really struggle to do this then my advice would to work with a psychotherapist with experience of working with autists and work on role play with them to develop your skills here. You will also learn when it is appropriate to use it.

    The situation you describe about a little lie saving a lot of pain is a matter of routine for most neurotypicals and they typically know when not to lie. For example a woman asking her partner "do I look fat in this top", a man asking his partner "do you think my hair looks thinner" etc are all classic cases where the truth will cause pain when it is unecessary.

    This is all just my opinion of course - but always remember that the pain you go through in learning these skills will save your partner so much more pain through your relationship.