Mistakes and self esteem

Wow,this sounds like Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria in real sense if you have ADHD,Oh my God,this is the worst.

100% this is like an everyday occurrence for me. Constantly over analysing and questioning myself but when there are others involved too I can't cope with the over thinking of what they're thinking about what I did!

Hello, I make mistakes all the time. I called in to my GP's surgery to arrange a test but messed up as it is not due for another two months. I do not beat myself up as it stems from disability's. I laugh and see the funny side. Focus on your strengths. Tamsin Parkers short film "Force Of Habit" really does capture this so well.

Yes, I regularly beat myself up for days over objectively small mistakes. I’m afraid I’m absolutely the wrong person to offering advice on this.

I can totally relate to what you are saying. Like I tend to focus on the small bad details as opposed to the big picture which could still be beautiful if that makes sense? Sorry I can’t give any advice but maybe try and focus on the positives (though I struggle with this like 24/7)

No Iain I can't give you links as this comes mostly from my own thiinking and experience. But empty chair exercises have long been used as a theraputic tool, you don't give the pain back literally, but metaphorically, I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear. In a sense you do stop the pain chain in it's tracks, if you accept what it teaches you about yourself and how you related to others. It's often as simple and profound as something like not passing on that particular pain to our own children, through how we choose to parent, our kids may still have problems, but they will be different and hopefully not generations deep.

TheCatWoman said:

I think it's a pain chain, stretching back generations, but we can break this chain, by giving it back to the person who it belongs to, not using it to keep our wounds open and allow them to heal.

That is an interesting approach - kind of biblical in an eye for an eye sort of way.

When you throw the pain back at the causer then the pain has been passed on so who do they chain it onto next? Does not breaking the chain mean stopping it in its tracks though?

I confess to not being educated in this approach so can you tell us more or give us a link to somewhere with reliable views on it please?

Sorry I don't have much advice but I want to let you know your not alone. I really struggle with this too and its awful! Sending love and support <3

So many people have internalised a person/people from childhood who were critical, who we could never do anything right for, or were humiliated by, especially in front of others and it ends up with these people sitting on our shoulders commenting negatively on everything we do. It's like a wound that never heals, it's pecked open on a pretty much daily basis because we feel we don't match up to the expectations of others. It's not just ND's that do this, NT's so it too, but maybe not to the same extent, it's hard to know because people rarely talk about outside of a therapists room. I've used the empty chair technique with others and I've done it myself when in therapy, to stay with my adult self and imagine those critiacal others to be in the chair opposite and tell them that what they said and did were totally wrong and unreasonable, how could they expect a small child to know such things and get something new right first time? We all have our own variations and people we may need to give all this pain back too, I think it's a pain chain, stretching back generations, but we can break this chain, by giving it back to the person who it belongs to, not using it to keep our wounds open and allow them to heal. We are far less likely to pass this pain chain onto others if we can break the habit in ourselves, it plugs a hole were our confidence and sense of self and feelings of worth fall down. it may feel very strange at first to have a small puddle of confidence at the bottom of a now empty well, but if we allow it to stay healed, we will stop feeling like imposters, get to know our own genuine strengths and weakness and generally learn that we're not so bad after all.

I absolutely agree. I think it's trauma response after being bullied and told there is something wrong with us etc.

It was my massive problem in the past for many years. I still feel very uncomfortable,  but I keep repeating myself that it happens to everyone and even if someone says something about me, it's nothing bad. People gossip because they like it, it's their entertainment and an occasion to strengthen their position in the group (just my observation) that's why they gossip. Not only about you or me. They find anyone. Not all if them but many. I know how it feels literally like bullying.  But it's unfortunately unavoidable. Making mistakes is also unavoidable,  everyone makes them, those who strive to present themselves as perfect- too. So I keep repeating it to myself and it somehow helps me but I'm still not fully free of it. 

Yep, I think we all fell out of the guilt tree and some of us hit every branch on the way down! I think peope with ASC are more likely to feel a presumed lack of competance and be more sensitive to mistakes, probably because we've grown up being told we're clumsy, bad or wrong and yet it's never explained why or how we could do things differently to avoid mistakes.

Autismman said:

Does anyone ever make a mistake and then start questioning their very moral existence as if the small mistake somehow makes them feel like less of a person or not worthy enough?

I used to be like this but found mindfulness was a great mechanism to be able to put the mistake into context in a similar way to Stuart333 describes.

It helps you establish if the mistake was an acceptable one (there are few cases when it isn't unless you are a surgeon for example) and, more importantly, if you can learn from it to avoid it in future.

For me it is always best to look on mistakes as learning events and so long as I don't keep repeating them then it is working. If I do repeat them then it is something I discuss with my therapist as there may be something else at play which they are better attuned to get to the bottom of.

I understand how scary making a mistake can seem and how it can undermine your confidence.

But, the solution is to accept everyone makes mistakes. 

In management if you get, say, 9 out of 10 decision correct, people will accept that as a price for making progress when you have incomplete information. Speed is important. As long as you recognise the wrong ones and correct them you are fine.

I certain manual processes, such a data entry, there are statistics to show typical accuracy rates.

Elsewhere mistakes are often a process problem, not the individuals problem. If you can make a mistake then do could other people so there should be something to catch it. Quality audits should show that.

Typically autistic attention to detail anf fear of mistakes mean that over time you should do better than others.

Hopefully people don't make fun of the mistakes, but if they do the thing is not to take it too personally. It will pass. If they make fun it is because they know they would do no better. If they were bothered they would be complaining.

I can relate to this, and I usually try my best to take extra steps to prevent things going wrong.

Other than sleeping like you said, which also works for me, another thing that helps is closure with the situation - knowing that a mistake isn't the end of the world is a big relief, and often times hearing it from someone other than yourself is the most helpful thing.

You're not alone, all we can do is try to do our best!