Hi Everyone,
I am almost 64 and am currently on the waiting list for an official diagnosis for autism. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens, eventually entering the NHS mental health system 30 years ago after what was classified as a breakdown at the time. The initial diagnosis was Generalised Anxiety Disorder with a suggested treatment of some generalised therapy and prescription for Seroxat.
Later the diagnosis changed to OCPD. A vast number of medications were tried with mirtazapine being the least problematic but still not particularly effective. I received various "treatments" over the years, but more latterly only CBT was offered. This proved to be ineffectual and probably made me feel worse.
The low point started when, just prior to Covid, I refused 6 more sessions of CBT and my GP at the time accusing me of not trying.
Over the lockdowns it was like a weight was lifted. Obviously I was worried what Covid might bring for me and my friends and family, but I loved the isolation from the hubbub and pressures of modern life. My wife and I continued the isolation for longer than most due to having elderly and fragile relatives.
As the lockdowns eased I found it harder than ever to engage with society. I have speculated that I may have lost the ability to mask and cope with people.
Last year I had another breakdown and re entered the system. Initially my contacts were paramedics and the mental health link worker. This initially didn't go well, with medications having side effects and only CBT being offered by the mental health team. I refused to hit my head against the CBT wall another time and was told there was nothing more on offer. This is when my luck changed for the better and I had an appointment with my new GP. She is more of a traditional GP, who actually gives you the time required. She went back through a massive list of medications that had failed for one reason or another, and then begged the first line mental health team to reassess my case. I had a two hour face to face meeting with a lady new to the area, she said in her opinion it was highly likely that I was autistic. This was a massive shock to the system to say the least. Then to make things a bit harder both my parents passed away within 7 weeks over summer. I then had two more meetings with various people who all concurred with this suggestion. Unfortunately the local trust had been on special measures for some time and the waiting list for an official diagnosis was/is several years ahead.
I was due a bit of good fortune and the good news is due to this waiting list they offered me support regardless of the lack of diagnosis. I'm having regular meetings/support from a mental health and wellbeing practitioner as well as attending Recovery College courses. I'm still really struggling with the anxiety, feeling like my chest is being crushed almost 24/7, but together we are trying to identify what may help me the most moving forward and what being autistic means for me.
I'm feeling rather dazed and confused at present, finding myself reevaluating my whole life and my sense of self. As I'm learning more about ASD, I am realising that it explains my life and struggles with the world better than any other explanation.
As I have shared the probable diagnosis with friends, the general consensus has been that they suspected it all along or that makes total sense.
I'm now feeling undecided whether to pursue a formal diagnosis, and what benefits/ disadvantages it might bring. I guess I'm petrified what a negative diagnosis might mean, and distrusting of any diagnosis process given that the professionals have altered their minds before.
On a lighter note my interests included birdwatching, cycling in a number or forms, hillwalking and climbing. I find it interesting that for someone with extreme anxiety, I feel most at peace with the world when I'm pushing my limits climbing or mountain biking on an alpine mountain. I seem to enter flow state and everything else in the world is outside my bubble. For me it's the equivalent of being in a meditative state.
Far too much rambling I think. Perhaps it doesn't give much sense of who I am, but more as to why I find myself on this forum.
