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Who else was bullied in high school?

illustrated.lady

I want to add a content warning here for bullying.

Hello!

I'm fairly newly diagnosed woman at the grand age of 32. When I was diagnosed the psychiatrist said that years ago I wouldn't have been diagnosed with our understanding of the autistic spectrum has changed over time. 

I keep thinking back to my time in school, I went to a girls school, it had a bad reputation locally and it was awful.

I have always had dreams about being back in school but they have become almost nightly since my diagnosis.

Academically, I did well in school, I thoroughly enjoyed some subjects - English, RE, Health and Social Care, Graphics. Socially, not so much although by the final two years I had settled into a friendship group with fellow nerdy kids. 

I always felt like an outcast, other girls made fun of me for every little thing, my frizzy hair, my body, my 'posh' ways of speaking, my geekiness, my online presence (these were the early days of social media), my interests.

I tried so desperately to fit in, I would listen to music I didn't like feign interest in things I didn't like and changed my ways of speaking. I couldn't recognize when people were being mean to me - that fake nice thing that girls would do that I still would not be able to recognize today!

I feel like I'm grieving for what could have been, my experience of school could have been so different in my autism was recognised and catered for. In Year 9, so at 13/14 years old I went through an awful stage of anxiety and school avoidance, I just didn't want to be there, I was just so overwhelmed and sitting in a class felt like punishment. 

It was actually only during therapy a few years ago in my late twenties that I had the sudden realization that I was bullied, that my experience wasn't typical. It wasn't normal for people to steal your belongings, to be pinched, to have your skirt pulled up, to be threatened, to have everything you do analyzed and criticized. 

My understanding now is that my experience is very common amongst autistic people. I am on the waiting list for therapy with the NHS as this is something I really need to be able to move on from.

Parents

  • I was very lucky, I was seldom bothered by the local bullies. I was always quiet tall and strong for my age and blessed with a resting angry face. So being tall, awkward, fairly uncoordinated with the additional issue of dysgraphia made school difficult.I was at school during the 70s and 80s when autism and ADHD wasn't really something that was considered, some of us were just weird lonely or highly disruptive kids or even a combination of the two.

    One of the problems I had was that I didn't fit naturally into any of the groups that formed so I was always quiet isolated . I had a friend who has friends, so I just tagged along.

    Living a life not knowing who or what I am is really difficult and having to put so much effort just to be accepted is hard.  The saddest thing was that they accepted the person I felt that I had to create just to fit in. Alcohol ended up playing a large part of my teens and early 20s, it just helped smooth the edges, thankfully I realised before it became a real issue.

    I wasn't diagnosed until I was 53 and it wasn't mentioned that I could be autistic until I was 50 after 30+ years of treatment resistant depression and anxiety.

    Living a life of not knowing who you are and having to put so much effort just to be accepted. The saddest thing was they accepted the person I felt that I had to create. Alcohol ended up playing a large part of my teens and early 20s, it just helped smooth the edges.

    I now don't really have friends, I have a wife ,kids, dogs and people I know (including family). I struggle massively with the human connection thing, it just doesn't come naturally.

    Speaking to a psychologist has been hugely positive, thankfully I have health insurance as if I had to wait for the NHS I'd have curled up in a corner months ago.

    I still haven't got a clue who I am or where I even start to peeling of the layers that have built up over the decades, hopefully things will become clearer at some point.

Reply

  • I was very lucky, I was seldom bothered by the local bullies. I was always quiet tall and strong for my age and blessed with a resting angry face. So being tall, awkward, fairly uncoordinated with the additional issue of dysgraphia made school difficult.I was at school during the 70s and 80s when autism and ADHD wasn't really something that was considered, some of us were just weird lonely or highly disruptive kids or even a combination of the two.

    One of the problems I had was that I didn't fit naturally into any of the groups that formed so I was always quiet isolated . I had a friend who has friends, so I just tagged along.

    Living a life not knowing who or what I am is really difficult and having to put so much effort just to be accepted is hard.  The saddest thing was that they accepted the person I felt that I had to create just to fit in. Alcohol ended up playing a large part of my teens and early 20s, it just helped smooth the edges, thankfully I realised before it became a real issue.

    I wasn't diagnosed until I was 53 and it wasn't mentioned that I could be autistic until I was 50 after 30+ years of treatment resistant depression and anxiety.

    Living a life of not knowing who you are and having to put so much effort just to be accepted. The saddest thing was they accepted the person I felt that I had to create. Alcohol ended up playing a large part of my teens and early 20s, it just helped smooth the edges.

    I now don't really have friends, I have a wife ,kids, dogs and people I know (including family). I struggle massively with the human connection thing, it just doesn't come naturally.

    Speaking to a psychologist has been hugely positive, thankfully I have health insurance as if I had to wait for the NHS I'd have curled up in a corner months ago.

    I still haven't got a clue who I am or where I even start to peeling of the layers that have built up over the decades, hopefully things will become clearer at some point.

Children
  • in reply to Hergé

    You are older than me, I'm 32 but I spent a lot of my time socializing in my twenties completely wasted, I would drink to excess to remove my anxiety and project confidence. I don't drink anymore after realizing it was making me more anxious in the long run and was seriously clouded my judgement. 

    I wonder if this is a common experience amongst autistic people. 

    Sounds like you have a lovely family and dogs and you're going to therapy which is fantastic!