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Starting again

Deleted User

I'm a former user, that's all I'll say about that.  I decided to come back and start fresh.  Allow me to introduce myself again.

I'm a guy in my mid 30s.  I got a private diagnosis for Asperger's a few years ago after a botched one in my teen years.

My hobbies are models, Lego, reading, programming with python programming language, photography, walks in woods or on the beach and digital art.

I include gaming as I thought I should quit it to appear more mature and normal, but I reinstated it as a means of emotional processing.

Truthfully, I am unable to accept being autistic even after 35 years, I mask a lot of my personal issues, I always feel detached and without connection, my age and narrow skills and interests don't help.  I feel like a terrible burden on my family and have had some fierce rows brought on by mutual stresses and resentments boiling over.  I found it's best to hold my tongue to avoid anger and upset with pretty much everyone.

I hate being on benefits and I wish I could find paying work to get off it for good, though it seems many jobs prefer certain demographics, and use jargon and requirements to gatekeep.

Socially I can function in most situations, but lack the ability to form connections and friendships, even those neurodiverse.  I see myself as a Linux in a world of Mac and Windows (computer metaphor).

I have never had any relationships of my own, but I question my own sexuality, at first I felt asexual, but now I feel more fluid, waiting for the right person able to accept me warts and all, but that seems less likely than winning the lottery.

Now with a diabetes 2 diagnosis I feel even more disaffected and empty.

Since I have been let down by counselling before I am trying to work through CBT myself via a book.

Now as I come to the midpoint of my life I genuinely fear for my future, my place in the world now and in the future and losing out on everything everyone takes for granted.

Parents

  • Welcome back to the community forum. 

    I like that you are clear about where and how you are in your life, even if it isn’t where you would like to be.

    I am also working through some of my old CBT handouts on self esteem. Since my autism diagnosis last year, I have an entirely different view of myself through knowing much of the past rubbish wasn’t my fault. I do think though, that I will need to work at the CBT techniques long term in order to keep my mood afloat. 

    Unknown said:
    I genuinely fear for my future, my place in the world now and in the future and losing out on everything everyone takes for granted.

    I am sorry that you are struggling with thoughts of what the future might be like, but please don’t give up hope. You are still young, you are articulate and have technological skills which could be a way into employment. Perhaps the NAS or other organisations might be able to point you in the right direction for employment support? I understand there mightn’t be anything suitable at the moment, but something suitable could turn up. 

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  • Welcome back to the community forum. 

    I like that you are clear about where and how you are in your life, even if it isn’t where you would like to be.

    I am also working through some of my old CBT handouts on self esteem. Since my autism diagnosis last year, I have an entirely different view of myself through knowing much of the past rubbish wasn’t my fault. I do think though, that I will need to work at the CBT techniques long term in order to keep my mood afloat. 

    Unknown said:
    I genuinely fear for my future, my place in the world now and in the future and losing out on everything everyone takes for granted.

    I am sorry that you are struggling with thoughts of what the future might be like, but please don’t give up hope. You are still young, you are articulate and have technological skills which could be a way into employment. Perhaps the NAS or other organisations might be able to point you in the right direction for employment support? I understand there mightn’t be anything suitable at the moment, but something suitable could turn up. 

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