Daughter in constant burn out

Hello,

I’m also autistic and in my late twenties and I experienced burnout as well which lasted for years and I am only now starting to recover. I was so exhausted that everything took so much effort and energy and it meant that nothing was enjoyable anymore- I was told I was depressed but now that I have moments where I have more energy again, I’m convinced it the root cause was the burnout and exhaustion. I’m really sorry to hear your daughter is going through burnout - I am still recovering myself and I suspect different strategies work for different people but I can talk about my experience and what I have learnt. The first thing that really helps to know is that it is possible for it to get better- I used to think maybe that’s just how life is going to be from now on (I also had suspected long covid so at some point I thought maybe that was root cause) and I thought it just wouldn’t get better, especially as I had had long periods off from studying and work where I thought I was resting (but clearly something wasn’t right because I never really recovered). I also wasted a lot of time trying to fix other things that I thought might be the cause of the exhaustion but actually weren’t so that didn’t really help. Recovering from burnout can take so long and I think for me I had to prioritise resting and sleep much more and I also had to make major changes in terms of how I go about life. I think realising I was autistic helped somewhat. For me the real changes started to happen after yet another bad situation after a long list of bad experiences- I am hoping to be a scientist and I really wanted to do a PhD but had a few false starts, where I ended up unpaid, then worked as a research assistant for a while (again not best experience) and I finally thought I was in a good stable situation but then ended up with a supervisor that was not supportive at all and then our lab closed and I had to leave. All those years I also moved countries every 6 months to a year which added to all the stress and I didn’t take much rest between any of the jobs or degrees. So after all that I actually joined the lab of someone that I knew quite well and had worked with in the past- she was aware of my situation and also that my health and ability to work was severely compromised but she still encouraged me to join and reassured me I could take it slowly and take the time to get back on my feet. This meant moving to a foreign country where I do not understand the language and with huge cultural differences but I felt much safer and in a much more stable situation. I was also keen to do things differently because I just couldn’t go on anymore and I think this allowed me to focus more on prioritising my own needs and taking care of myself. I am so much less willing to put myself in situations that stress me out as I know I just don’t have the energy to deal with this at present. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to do that in the past because I would have worried about what people think and would have felt that other people can do it so I should be able to do so too. I work very little in the office now (luckily I have that flexibility) , I am lucky to also be allowed to work flexible hours but in past I would have still stuck to more regular ones as I would have felt like I had to- I have had a lot of issues with insomnia and sleep and at this point I have just decided I don’t care what people think and I will just start and end work later to match those hours where I can actually sleep. Sleep is so so important- i think I underestimated this and didn’t try hard enough to get more. I am also prioritising efficiency much more over number of hours. I also recently didn’t go to my own birthday gathering organised for me at work (it was unexpected, i had other plans which I could have moved, and luckily it wasn’t just celebrating my birthday). So I think for me the key has been to be in an environment where I feel safer to be myself and also to stop caring so much about what people think and figure out a way of living and working that works for me - even if that is different to what is accepted as the norm. I still struggle but I have moments where I am more mentally alert than I have felt in years and that means life can be more fun again. Not sure if any of this is helpful but I just want you to know that it can improve but I think it does require changes and compromises. I could easily have gone on existing in my burntout and miserable state for years but luckily I think things are definitely improving for me. I hope your daughter figures out what works for her. 

I am just going to add on another point about exhaustion - I think what is helpful to realise is that many  things that would at most be a minor inconvenience or minor drain on energy, can actually be huge stressors and drains on energy for autistic people. I think each individual will have different stressors but it can really add up over time. And it can be hard to actually understand why you are so exhausted because it might not actually seem like that much is going on or other people seem to be doing fine with more going on, but a lot of things just take so much more energy. I didn’t realise that so it made me 1) at times not understand how it was possible to be so exhausted 2) make myself keep doing things that were actually major drains on my energy because I just didn’t realise they could be. It can be quite hard for non autistic people to understand sometimes because they can identify with some of these points but I just don’t think they realise the extent of the effect it can have- for example, I really need to plan things (i even plan in for ‘expected unexpected things’) but if this plan is disrupted for example by an unexpected deadline coming up or an unexpected meeting- it can completely mess up my day or even in long term create havoc . This happened to me recently (with a big unexpected short notice deadline coming up) and I tried to explain to my supervisor and she was understanding but just didn’t realise the extent of the impact this ended up having on me. Then social situations, masking can take up so much energy- both during the situation and afterwards (eg trying to analyse it and figure out what people meant and have I somehow offended someone etc). I also get super absorbed and obsessed about my work so that I basically cannot switch it off and it can be a huge drain. Task switching doesn’t work well for me so if I am forced to (eg due to classes) it can make things hard. But these stressors could be anything- it could even be the correct brand of some food is not available or deciding what to cook or something in environment not being right (like lights or smells etc or having to flatshare). I don’t know your daughter so I don’t know if there are any small things that contribute to the exhaustion- it can be hard to spot because some of these things seem super innocuous. I am still not fully aware of all of mine and it can be hard to strike a balance - I think I also used to push myself way too much to socialise when I was too exhausted because I thought I should- i do need contact with people sometimes but it is actually very harmful to push yourself too much when not ready- though there are obviously also some activities that are actually good and relaxing and helpful- more of those helps- but when super exhausted nothing is fun- and though that is frustrating I actually think for me the best thing is to just accept that unfortunately I just can’t do much at this point and be confident in knowing that with rest I will actually find enjoyment in things. Not sure if that helps?

Sorry I forgot one more thing. I do hope some of this is helpful- I want to share as I know how awful burnout is and I spent so long not getting any better because I just didn’t understand why I was feeling so tired.  On the NHS it can be hard to get specialised support for autistic individuals - I did try some regular counselling but I would be cautious- sometimes it is just not tailored to an individual’s needs and is not appropriate especially for autistic individuals and can do more harm than good. I was ready to completely give up on counselling but I recently started working with a counsellor who is autistic himself and who works mostly with neurodivergent individuals- this was initially funded by my university but I have continued because I think it is helpful- for me it is so refreshing to talk to another autistic person and to have a counsellor who can much better understand what might be going on for me- obviously every neurodivergent individual is different but we do have things in common and it is much easier to talk to someone who understands about autism and also has personal experience. I don’t know if you might be able to afford some private counselling, but if yes you could consider looking for a neurodivergent counsellor or at very least someone who has experience. I found my current counsellor via a website where neurodivergent counsellors advertise their services (not all are neurodivergent themselves and I would encourage you to make sure they have appropriate qualifications and accreditation). Just thought I would mention this in case it is an option available to you. 

Sorry I forgot one more thing. I do hope some of this is helpful- I want to share as I know how awful burnout is and I spent so long not getting any better because I just didn’t understand why I was feeling so tired.  On the NHS it can be hard to get specialised support for autistic individuals - I did try some regular counselling but I would be cautious- sometimes it is just not tailored to an individual’s needs and is not appropriate especially for autistic individuals and can do more harm than good. I was ready to completely give up on counselling but I recently started working with a counsellor who is autistic himself and who works mostly with neurodivergent individuals- this was initially funded by my university but I have continued because I think it is helpful- for me it is so refreshing to talk to another autistic person and to have a counsellor who can much better understand what might be going on for me- obviously every neurodivergent individual is different but we do have things in common and it is much easier to talk to someone who understands about autism and also has personal experience. I don’t know if you might be able to afford some private counselling, but if yes you could consider looking for a neurodivergent counsellor or at very least someone who has experience. I found my current counsellor via a website where neurodivergent counsellors advertise their services (not all are neurodivergent themselves and I would encourage you to make sure they have appropriate qualifications and accreditation). Just thought I would mention this in case it is an option available to you.