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Ending my marriage

aeldron

I've been married for over 20 years. I got diagnosed with autism last year (had suspected it for over 10y) and my partner was diagnosed with ADHD around the same time.

I've read somewhere that over 80% of ASD + non-ASD marriages end up in divorce. I don't know how much of it it's true but I'm about to become yet another statistic. 

We tried couple's therapy before my diagnosis and I thought we were on the good path again, but I'm on the brink of a burnout and I don't think I can continue taking the pressure from my partner any more. I'm constantly being asked to perform according to neuro typical standards, to mask my autism, and I've decided to end our marriage as a consequence.

It's really sad because we both love each other and we are still physically attracted to each other but I don't think I can continue. It's destroying my mental and physical health. My partner doesn't understand my limits, doesn't accept my boundaries, I'm constantly being asked to "try harder" (be more social, do more small talk, demonstrate affection e.g. smile, the list goes on and on) when I'm constantly trying beyond my limits already and making myself ill. I've tried to explain that this is ableism, that I can make some small adjustments to a certain extent, but I cannot change who I am. All I can do is mask and push myself to another burnout.

Today I put forward a plan for separation, starting with gradually separating our financial assets while still cohabiting, all the while trying to protect our teenage son who has severe mental health issues and is emotionally unstable.

I did the thing I always do, talked it through with reason, calm in the face of adversity, while my partner was an emotional mess. Then my partner left for a walk and I collapsed into a massive shutdown. 

In the end, I agreed to pause any actions untill we find professional help again. I don't think I will backtrack on my idea to separate - for as much as I hate change and still love my partner. I'm aware that with autism I have a tendency to black and white thinking (this either works or it doesn't), and that might be blindsiding me to the huge benefits of being in a relationship but right now I can't see a way forward. In any case, couple's counselling would help us manage the separation so I'm not opposed to it, even though we tried it before and I feel like I've already said everything I needed to say and listened and understand my partner's side of the story too.

The problem is that I have no idea where to look for a couple's therapist with experience in autism. Any suggestions or referrals would be much appreciated!

  • in reply to aeldron

    I really feel for you and recognise many of the issues. My wife is very talkative has many friends and expects me to remember when she talks about people at work I have never met. We don't have kids and one of the reasons is because I could never cope with that constant demand 

    At some point someting in you will break again. It is now about managing that and getting the best outcome for you. 

  • in reply to aeldron

    Fair. I am lucky enough to have family to live with; Having two homes would be a huge strain for us, too.

    That’s great to hear that you have found help!

  • in reply to profdanger

    I have considered it, but unfortunately we cannot afford paying for two separate homes. 

    I don't know. I also feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea. If we can't figure out a way to cohabit, then I might just as well be by myself? We will see.

    I think we might have just found help. We contacted our previous therapist and she is available to see us again. 

  • I’m wishing the best for both of you and your child.

    I’m married to a NT woman and I have a daughter with Autism/ADHD (and another who may be ND), so I think I can understand a lot of what’s going on here. I’ve also had to deal with the stress of work, going home to immediately be a functional father and husband, to not getting relief until it’s time for bed. That’s a heavy load, and I’ve been pushed to breaking point many, many times.

    For my wife and I things have started to look a little better since we just had couple’s counseling this spring. She understands my needs a little better and I now know that a huge burden for her has been struggles with extended family, which I have since helped her with. We’re also in a weird dynamic right now where I have to work 5 days a week in a different state, so I think the timing of this temporary partial separation has done us some good.

    Okay, all of that to say: My personal recommendation is to not try to completely throw the marriage out the window. I think TheCatWoman nailed it with “maybe living apart but still being together would be OK?” That’s definitely something to consider in your upcoming counseling. In my case, partial separation has definitely strengthened my bond with my wife and I’m starting to look forward to when we will all be together again rather than dreading the onslaught of stress family life entails.

  • in reply to NAS65321

    Than you for the advice and sorry to hear about your parents, that must have been really tough.

    I honestly wouldn't even know how to start unmasking. To me it's more of a question of allowing me to relax, especially at the end of a long day filled with meetings where I have had to mask all day and in the evening I have nothing left to give.

    But my work day finishes and family life starts, with demands for attention, chit chat, showing that I'm "taking interest" in my partner's day, while being constantly criticised for doing it wrong. Plus managing my kid with high needs which in itself is a huge challenge. All the way to bedtime, then rinse and repeat the next day. I can feel my executive functioning crumbling, even the simplest things like picking something from the fridge can be a struggle, I zone out and stare at nothing. 

    I've had a severe burnout two years ago that led me to look for a diagnosis, and I can now recognise the symptoms creeping up on me again.

  • Really sorry to hear of your problems. I have been married for a similar amout of time and found out about ASD/ADHD when I was 50 then went through the truma of loosing both parents in 3 years. Its been a struggle, particually around Covid and loosing my dad, that massivley changed me. Thankfully my wife has been very understanding through this and we have a very diffrent life now. Your partner is abusing you in some ways by refusing to accept that things have changed. You need to think of your own mental health first. Try agreeing that for a week you get to 'run things' really show them what its like, show them whats deep inside you, stop masking , it may be such a shock to  that they accept that you are diffrent. I completely lost my masking abilities, it is frightening. Best of luck and take care.

  • Being constantly told to do better is exhausting and soul destroying, I had it happen to me more than once, I felt like everything I did, said and thought was under scrutiny, nothing I did was right, I think its bullying and coersive control. Partners and others often don't see it as that,they think they're helping, but how is it helpful to destroy your sense of self?

    A counsellor will help to make it easier for you to split, if you still love and desire each other then maybe living apart but still being together would be OK?

    Instead of any therapy sessions being about you and your ASC, maybe they should be about why your partner needs to be on your case all the time, just what do they fear will happen if you're allowed to be your authentic ASC self?