A letter I wrote

This is a letter I wrote about life as an autistic person.  Take it as you will.

"I expect nobody to understand this but I want to write it regardless.  I have autism, the kind that used to be called Asperger's Syndrome.  It means that while I may look like any other person on the street on the outside, inside I am full of pain, sadness, anger at myself and frustration at not being properly understood.

It also means that things like loud noise, bright lights, constant stress take more of a toll and cause physical pain.

Because an autistic person's brain is wired differently, I will not always understand things quickly like a normal person, I can be clumsy, awkward, perceived as lazy or stupid, which makes it very hard to find jobs where our more positive qualities are utilised and we are not bullied, seen as different or meets us halfway in helping to manage our personal sensitivities, triggers and understanding tasks or procedures.

Many autistic people have not had the opportunity to develop their social skills properly, we spend much of our lives isolated because the outside world can be overwhelming, and we miss out on making friends, finding boyfriends and girlfriends who would be willing to give us a chance and building relationships which help us grow, get stronger and believe in ourselves more thanks to the genuine love and support of people who would never give up on us, and we autistics would return that love along with loyalty.

I along with so many others have had our hearts broken by indifference and ridicule by those who are supposed to offer help and support like the DWP, GPs and professionals alike, telling us to think happy thoughts, medicate ourselves and deal with our own problems alone.

It's sad that our world is only growing more selfish, heartless and passively cruel to those whose pain and scars we can't see on the outside."

  • Dear Desmond1979,

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  • I understand your point of view.

    I was married but I screwed up too many times. Add to the fact that my actions are misunderstood constantly, as if was trying to "get one over" on my partner and make her look like a c**t. I'm made to feel like I'm gaslighting her, while in turn being (presumably) gaslit (eg. I went to bed the other night and she was singing Silent Night outside the door. It really creeped me out!)

    I'm sick of the stupid games; games I never wanted to play. I'm trying to be more level-headed because I kind of understand what's going on and believe my assumptions are correct. It's of very small consolation, but I refuse to be made to feel bad about how people perceive me and my intentions.

    Right now, I'm in the park, having been told to "f*** off" until 5pm when I can come back. When I do, my wife will get in my face, threaten to hit me and also threaten the police on me. How does that work? She threatens violence but wants the cops to arrest me because I'm giving her "the silent treatment". I'm only stay quiet because nothing I say is ever going to be taken the way it's intended. Everything I say is labelled "bullsh**" or simply makes her angrier. A real lose/lose situation.

    I'm not even diagnosed but I have felt this way for over 50 years. I feel that if you're older, it's pretty much too late to even bother with a diagnosis, because your *** life hasn't got long to go. 

    I do empathise (but not ask me to show it LOL). There I'd a better path to take, when it reveals itself. And it will, given time WinkThumbsupHeart

  • I agree and it is rather unfair to label Kerry men and women (or those from other parts of the south west) in that way. I am an Irish commoner; born, bred and living in Ireland. The Cancer Centre in Belfast has some brilliant volunteers, through Macmillan, who have run sessions on meditation, mindfulness, relaxation etc. One of the volunteers, a Buddhist Nun runs meditation sessions which incorporate mindfulness. She does not proselytise, yet she has helped patients acquire the techniques needed to practise mindfulness. 

    Mindfulness may not work for some, but it is not at variance with NHS hospital treatments or with the needs of every autistic person.

  • Let's all not turn this into an argument about religion.

  • we don't need Junk Philosophy

    That’s a rather restricted view of the reality, and it is inaccurate to claim “we” if you are making a generalised comment. If you are referring to a “we” as autists on this forum, you are in dodgy territory.

    Mindfulness has already practiced by some Christians for centuries, it has just been called by a different name: contemplative prayer. Think about some aspects of Ignatian Spirituality; mindfulness or attentiveness. The Spiritual exercises of St Ignatius is littered with examples of mindfulness. Just because something is practised by somebody one mightn’t like or approve of, doesn’t mean one shouldn’t do it, especially if it is harmless.

  • It's much more healthy to be mindfully aware of our thoughts and feelings and work through them in a healthy way than to just bury our heads and try to wish them away by praying to invisible sky fairies.

  • Too many Dogooders infiltrating Medical, and Psychiatric, institutions. Trying to promote 'MIndfullness'. This is a Christian Country, we don't need Junk Philosophy; promoted by the 'Rich Hippies' living in the South West.

    To be fair, mindfulness is a part of buddism which is much older than Christianity.

    Are you suggesting it wouldn't work for poor commoners from Ireland?

  • What kind of junk philosophy? Not everyone in the UK is a Christian.

  • I understand perfectly.

    Too many Dogooders infiltrating Medical, and Psychiatric, institutions. Trying to promote 'MIndfullness'. This is a Christian Country, we don't need Junk Philosophy; promoted by the 'Rich Hippies' living in the South West.

  • Thanks very much.  This began as an email to Samaritans, and I thought I could present it here too.

  • Very true words written. I hope writing this has been therapeutic for you. I find writing a great way of releasing my pent up thoughts and frustrations. I write and publish through Medium and believe me, there are many, many people on there who feel this too. You are not alone feeling this way.