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She's bipolar, I'm suspected autism and we're splitting up

Gordon-not-Ramsay

I feel as if I am slowly, but surely, losing my mind.

I'm not diagnosed, but my wife is bipolar and we are breaking up. My past misdemeanors have caught up with me (an attempted adultery by me, and I say attempted because nothing happened - no sex but the intent was in my mind). This came about because i didn't think she cared about me anymore. She was being critical about things that i did. I'd not long lost my mother and I was reaching the age of 50. I was in a mid-life crisis kind of situation. I started buying clothes to make me look younger. I was cocky and rather arrogant. I started to do mean spirited things to piss her off, while telling her she was paranoid and nothing untoward was going on. I admit, i was turning into a twisted man - just not me at all! This was roughly 8 years ago. We weren't married then, but we are now (in 2022).

The beginning of this year I was withdrawn and quiet, introspective, depressed. Shes always had this way of being critical of everything i do, and ive been having one of those "who am I? / what am I doing wirh my life?" moments. She took that as me being deliberately distant and ignoring her. She does have her own problems and worries (separate from the bipolar) and I was neglecting her when she needed my support.

Now, she is saying I lied to my family about what really happened back then and is slowly turning everyone against me. I can't talk to her. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing, losing my cool or lashing out and worsening matters. She is making it that I cannot talk to anyone: my family, the stepkids, friends (not that i have any). I am trapped in a nightmare situation, where it seems I'm a narcissist and a liar. It is killing me inside. I'm feeling my heart rate skyrocketing and my health deteriorate. It's hellish!

I've nowhere else to go. No one can put me up (or wants to). I'm still living in the house, if I can call it living. Every step I make is wrong. She is hyper-critical of the things I do. I thought doing nothing would be wiser, but then I'm being lazy, don't care about anyone but myself and if I do do something, it's only half a job. Every single thing I do pisses her off. I am trying my best to resist self-harming because I know she'd have a go at me for getting blood everywhere!

It's like a sick, twisted game I didn't want to play and have no chance whatsoever of winning. I'm bound to lose and it's my mind I'm losing. The really sad thing is that I love her. However, I fear things have gone way to far to pull it back from the edge.

Any advice? Just anything. I'm at a loss as to what to do now.

Parents

  • It wont help you one iota to hear it, but I do believe that if someone has been unfaithful (physically, or just with intent) that it will come back to bite them down the line eventually, as you've noticed.

    The injured party forever will forever compare the person you'd have gone off with to their own self - and that will cause all manner of psychological traumas.  I don't need to list them, but they are plentiful.  Each time you hit a subsequent rocky patch, your sins will be regurgitated - if not out loud - but mentally.  Is he, could he, would he do it again?

    I don't condemn you.  It seems you are blaming yourself, and you are here asking for advice, after all.  But you describe a rapidly deteriorating situation from which there appears no way back. 

    Listing each others faults to friends, families, or even here will not solve anything - it is akin to you each going to a counsellor.  You'd both get understanding and empathy - but it changes nothing back at home.  In fact it entrenches your positions.

    If you had someone else / somewhere else to go, would you be gone already?  Honestly?   If yes, then that's not love in my estimation. 
     

    Gordon-not-Ramsay said:
    no chance whatsoever of winning

    Neither of you have.

    Relationship counselling - if you both want it - and if you both consider you have something to save.  Else you have to make plans to separate for the situation sounds poisonous.   I am sorry I sound harsh/blunt, but I can only go on what you've said.   

  • in reply to overwhelmed & underwhelmed ( O & U )

    Thank you. Yes, very painful to admit this, but you're right. She was the injured party initially and I can't change that.

    PS: spoke to my wife this morning. It's time I was honest. I have been a psycho. I have wrecked everything that is good in my life. This is not me being self-pitying. This is me being honest and truthful, finally. I cantt lie to myself anymore. If I do that, then every word that comes out of my mouth is a lie. I definitely need help because I will end up being the sad, twisted old man I never wanted to be. My wife deserves way way more than this. She has been bullied, abused and lied to pretty much all of her life, and I'm just another nail in the coffin of her self esteem.

    I know she loved me with all her heart and it must feel like the ultimate betrayal. I can't change how she feels about me now. What I can do is finally face up to the facts, move on and get my head straight.

    It is going to be very tough. I'm pretty sure I am on the spectrum and it has coloured the way I go about things, but it's not an excuse. I need to understand what it means and do something positive about it, for everyone's sake.

  • in reply to Gordon-not-Ramsay

    additional: I have been brutal honest with my family in a WhatsApp conversation. it was something my wife had wanted me to do for.ages. Despite the fact that only one of ny nephews responded (sympathetically), the mere fact I did it, and my wife read what i had written, it has blown away a lot of the clouds obscuring my mind. We are now communicating a lot better. The marriage may be pretty much beyond salvaging, but we are talking in a friendlier way and I am listening much more attentively.

    I now need to focus on my mental health and getting answers in order to move forward, plus working better with my wife for the benefit of our kids. They are thd top priority now.

    And who know how the future will pan out. So thank you O&U. Your "pep talk" did help after all! Heart️

  • in reply to Gordon-not-Ramsay

    Thanks for your update.  Wish you (all) well.  

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