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Me and my girlfriend

hypercolius

The past few weeks were chaos for me. 

She knows I have ASD. But she doesn't know I have 'rejection sensitive dysphoria'

This is basically when my brain processes rejection/criticism as physical pain and has no inhibition to it, so the feeling blows up massively. 

I thought she was gone when she disappeared for a few days when we were trying to arrange another adventure together. I was so scared, this wiped me out so much. I had my share of experiences (including one when someone I liked broke my heart and then bullied me out of a society with her friends), so assumed this was it. 

She then wrote me saying she wanted to bake me a cake for my birthday, asking for preferences. 

When she vanished again when she said she'd take a look at booking the adventure, I freaked out completely. I thought, again, this was it. 

She wrote me the next day, saying we could do it when she came over, and spent the whole day texting me, including getting very worried when I briefly got myself lost in a highly unfamiliar city. She wrote me more this day than she ever had before. 

She was extremely supportive with my conference presentation, absolutely truly wonderful to me. And continued writing me nice things when I got back. 

She then came over for my birthday and spent the whole day with me. She put on a lot of perfume (everything she sat on still smells very pleasantly from it), she gave me presents, we booked an adventure together despite her busy schedule (she has a report due and is extremely worried about it) and a potential for rain that day. She was so lovely, playful and adorable. We were sitting together on the sofa for some time, and she sat extremely close to me with her whole body turned sideways to point at me. 

She then continued writing me for the rest of the evening. 

I was sure I'd lost her. Instead, I lost nothing. She's still here with me. And, honestly, what happened yesterday was my best interaction with her. The perfume was unbelievably flattering, and I really enjoyed my day with her. 

Parents

  • Sounds like she desperately wants to be with you but that you are way too difficult for her to comprehend and deal with. Makes me wonder how can she deal with your condition if she doesn’t know or understand something very significant about it?

  • in reply to Professor Precise-a-bug

    I never told her this was how I felt about those situations. I was really scared to let her know anything about this.

    Some people were constantly telling me that if she even found out I had ASD, I would lose her, and then criticised me for telling her, saying it was like I told her I was schizophrenic. 

    Same here- I'm scared of telling her it upsets me because of similar 'advice'.

    Other advice they gave me was when she didn't reply for a week and then got back to me, I should also make her wait for a week for my response. They told me I should never reply to her messages right away, that 'the less you like her, the more she will like you', that 'this relationship is a game' and a whole bunch of other hair-raisingly nasty things which culminated in me finding out that one of them had yelled at her partner when he asked her for support. They enjoyed watching an individual called 'Veronika Stepanova' in the past, who was basically advocating for the emotional abuse and manipulation of vulnerable men, explaining a lot about their thoughts. 

    All of these things without exception turned out wrong about the girl I'm seeing, and I realised later that had I followed this advice, we would have never been in a position like this. I don't want to hurt her. 

    I'm just trying to be myself and make her feel warm and highly cherished whilst trying to do away with the horrible memories plagueing me, most recently with what happened in a university society. 

    I only told her I had ASD, which she was really understanding about. 

    I feel I need to tell her. I just am afraid what the reaction will be. However, so far, she was by far the nicest girl I've encountered. No-one else comes close to her. 

  • in reply to hypercolius

    Both my partner and I are AuDHD and we are completely open with each other and talk about everything. This is why things work with us. We're transparent and tell each other everything. Some situations are uncomfortable but an open and honest conversation will make things stronger in my experience.

    I've been in a few bad relationships in the past and hiding thoughts and feelings often ends badly. I've come to the conclusion that if the person I'm with can't handle me and understand me at my worst then they're not meant to be with me. Being open about our needs is vital as neurodivergent people, and if not then we end up masking, burnt out and both people end up confused, frustrated and hurt. Also, don't listen to people who say relationships are like a game. They really aren't, and the people who say this are usually up to some kind of manipulation or are just immature. Stick to being honest, be true to yourself and you'll find the person who deserves you.

    I'm very lucky to have found someone who gets me but its taken a long time to figure that out. I really hope that thing work out for you and your partner. You should tell them about your ASD and RSD. It's better in the long term.

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  • in reply to hypercolius

    Both my partner and I are AuDHD and we are completely open with each other and talk about everything. This is why things work with us. We're transparent and tell each other everything. Some situations are uncomfortable but an open and honest conversation will make things stronger in my experience.

    I've been in a few bad relationships in the past and hiding thoughts and feelings often ends badly. I've come to the conclusion that if the person I'm with can't handle me and understand me at my worst then they're not meant to be with me. Being open about our needs is vital as neurodivergent people, and if not then we end up masking, burnt out and both people end up confused, frustrated and hurt. Also, don't listen to people who say relationships are like a game. They really aren't, and the people who say this are usually up to some kind of manipulation or are just immature. Stick to being honest, be true to yourself and you'll find the person who deserves you.

    I'm very lucky to have found someone who gets me but its taken a long time to figure that out. I really hope that thing work out for you and your partner. You should tell them about your ASD and RSD. It's better in the long term.

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