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Not fitting in - feeling lost

Ann :)

Hi, 

I’m autistic and I moved abroad just over 6 months ago to start a PhD in neuroscience. I had actually previously started a PhD in the UK but had to leave as the lab closed and I had also had a difficult time with my supervisor. Before that I also moved around a lot and had several bad experiences. On top of that I’ve had health issues and I have been in a state of burnout and exhaustion for years. However I desperately wanted to do a PhD - science used to be my safe space and the lab was the one place where I felt that I tended to fit in, would find people I connected to and could be myself. But that has all changed.

I moved to China for the PhD (as I had the opportunity to work with someone there that I had worked with previously- this had been a very good experience and this person knew I was not at all in a good state and was willing to have me join and help me get back on my feet). It’s been a huge change which hasn’t been easy but I do feel very supported by my supervisor and I have been able to take care of myself much more than I would have elsewhere- however I think I completely underestimated how burntout and unwell I was and though I feel better at times, I’m still nowhere near back to full energy and health. 

I have been feeling increasingly unhappy- I don’t fit in at all in the new lab - I’m making an effort to learn Chinese but it’s slow and I don’t feel that people are making an effort at all to make me feel included language wise (or otherwise). I even pointed out to people that I really wished I could understand more and would be really glad if at least sometimes someone gave me an idea of what is being talked about. I am at an English speaking university so everyone knows English. I even said I was feeling excluded but the consensus is that I will just have to learn Chinese and noone is making an effort. Then recently there were 2 incidents where things I said were misunderstood- and it resulted in some passive agressive messages targeting me in a public group chat and some quite aggressive messages to me personally. The first incident I was partly to blame (though I had not intended to upset anyone) and I immediately apologised. The second I really don’t see what I did wrong (I immediately tried to sort it out and clarify there had been a misunderstanding but this person just never responded and ran off to our supervisor anyways to complain). I know there is a language and a cultural barrier but surely that should make people give everyone the benefit of the doubt? I have been feeling really sad and isolated - I don’t feel able to be myself at all at work and my safe place where I usually fit in is no longer safe. I feel like I can’t speak freely as I worry that anything I say could be misinterpreted or taken badly . It has also indirectly been implied I ask too many questions. I feel sad. I was already having a hard time being in the office (I generally just don’t work well in offices for desk work and here I have flexibility and live 5 min away so if I am not doing lab work I can work from home) but now I feel so uncomfortable that I am really struggling to be in lab when other people are there and I have been avoiding the office as much as possible and also have been working more in evenings and weekends when it is quieter. I feel guilty about this but also feel so overwhelmed and feel the need to protect myself. 

On top of that I have been feeling so unhappy and overwhelmed lately and I have been questioning whether this work is right for me after all. I love science but I worry that the actual lab work etc is just hard for me and making me stressed and not giving me the joy it used to. I feel really unrooted as I think my desire to be a scientist and do a PhD somehow held me together the past years. However I’ve also realised that I existed in an extremely deep state of exhaustion and burnout the past years- this also influenced the kind of work I was even capable of (lab work is ok as it is repetitive mostly but anything requiring more thought was much harder in that state). 

I’m not quite sure how to move forward. Not fitting in in lab is hard but I also don’t think I can force it and I am not even sure I want to anymore as I just don’t feel I can connect to my coworkers. But I don’t know. Then I think the whole uncertainty of where I want to go and if it is worth fighting to make it through this PhD is also unsettling. I know noone can tell me what is right for me. 

I just wanted to share and was wondering if anyone else has had experiences of not fitting in or of their safe place no longer being safe etc.  I want to feel less alone and to connect to some other neurodivergent individuals. 

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    Hi, thanks for the suggestion! We do have some lab social activities at times but I actually struggle a lot to eat out and with other people. I have so many digestive issues which already makes it hard - combine that with the stress of social situations and it becomes hugely stressful. At the very start I joined for some events, but recently I’ve felt so uncomfortable and I don’t feel up for joining anything. I know this is probably not helping but I’ve reached the point where I feel very overwhelmed, stressed and uncomfortable around my coworkers and I need some distance to protect myself… in the past in labs I connected with people mainly via the science. A lot of my friends are actually scientists too and we chat a lot about it- it is a shared special interest :) actually most of my friends are neurodivergent- i had no clue when I met them (i didn’t even know I was autistic). 
    but you are right that maybe when I have had some distance, I could try to join some social events to make things a bit less awkward… I have tried to make things more relaxing in past- like organising cakes tor meetings that I’ve organised to break the ice but noone ended up touching them so I don’t know… let’s see how it goes :) 

  • in reply to overwhelmed & underwhelmed ( O & U )

    Hi! Thank you so much for your response. You didn’t misinterpret at all. Science is my special interest and it has been from quite a young age. It used to be balanced by my love for hiking (and everything related to it from training to planning the trips) but I’ve been unable to do this for years due to injuries and physical health problems. This has made science even more central in my life and despite trying I still haven’t really found another interest to balance it with. I do get very absorbed by what I’m doing and it is really risky if a lot of your happiness rests on this one (or very few ) things… 

    I’m sorry you lost a lot of safe places and people too. It’s hard. I knew it was a huge step to move to China and this was not something I had ever planned or anticipated. In fact I really love the UK and I had wanted to stay there. When I first arrived in China everyone from the lab was extremely helpful and welcoming- I now realise that I think ‘welcoming me’ was seen more as a job and a duty but I think because of my initial experience it’s been more disappointing when I realised it wasn’t genuine. I came here in part because I had so many bad experiences and I wanted to work somewhere where I would be supported and accepted- I had previously worked with my current supervisor and we had got along very well and had stayed in touch over the past years. I was confident I would be supported here and that at least my supervisor would accept me the way I am (this had been a huge issue in my previous lab- though luckily not before then). I had also visited here and thought the team was lovely as well but I guess it is very hard to judge this based on one visit. I am very naive and tend to believe in the best of people so I often end up disappointed. 

    It’s not an easy time at the moment- I’ll have to see how it all evolves and if I can manage to keep going and finish this PhD- it’s still a really long way to go. I definitely won’t be staying in China after that - it was never the plan to stay. Though to be fair there are also a lot of positives- the weather so far has been really nice and it is amazing that flowers are blooming almost all year round here. I love looking at all the unfamiliar plants and flowers and crops. I’m in a subtropical area so we also have the most amazing fruit and vegetables- it’s quite an adventure- i order on this online supermarket which is all in Chinese and I basically just look at the pictures and let myself be surprised- it is hit and miss though :) 

    Thank you so much for your reply. It made me feel less alone! 

  • Ann :) said:
    I feel really unrooted as I think my desire to be a scientist and do a PhD somehow held me together the past years

    I think when we have a 'special interest' that has evolved to the extent yours has (and forgive me for classing your career as such) we are inclined to go to lengths that others would not generally go to achieve our goals, almost as if it is nothing.  Does that make sense?

    We can be so absorbed by what we are doing that a more circumspect view taken by NT individuals might have helped, but we did not see it, because we were so focused on our aims.  

    Obviously I don't know you, but your goal - to be a scientist, to achieve a PhD and to study and work in China is quite a huge thing for most - yet you speak of it as if it is a page in a book.  

    You are to be congratulated, I feel.  Monumentally.  But that doesn't help you now.

    I've lost so many 'safe spaces' that I've happened upon in my life, and safe people too.   People who declared themselves to be safe, and those I presumed were.  Situations change, reality bites, and those pages turn.  

    I've a friend now who keeps going off down these outlandish paths with this attitude that she can do anything, and I see more or less what will go wrong before it does, yet it is pointless telling her.   It is so painful to watch her absorbed in her world only for one slip-up to send her into crash & burn mode.  Over and over.

    I'm pleased you've reached out.  I may have misinterpreted, and if I have - to an extent - I apologise, but I do wonder if you could finish your PhD & then move on, or even complete elsewhere.  The cultural differences may be too much, but only you know.   You aren't alone.  

  • Hello.  What you describe is a tough situation to experience.  As you said, there are bound to be some cultural differences.  One thing I wondered if you had tried: arranging to meet some of your coworkers for a meal somewhere?  I often have worked with international teams and I have found that (although it may be less obvious to us as Autistic people) I had to engineer and participate in some of life / cultural more usual activities a few times to help establish a common bond level of identification and rapport.

    If the coworkers only see / experience / know of "workplace you" they are missing out on so many levels of possible identification with you, your curlture, your interests, your personality etc.