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Internalising bad feedback and taking the weight of others mistakes

Jimbo1975

Hi there

I am autistic and in a senior management role.  It can be quite a stressful role and I thought I was doing well at handling stress, but lately I have struggled.

I managed a team of 8 people and they are expected to report progress to me.  One area has failed continually and now has made a red flag for our client and also the company.  

In a meeting with senior management I was subjected to the phrases "I have been waiting for this plan for 5 months and still nothing". The senior managers body languages was extremely upsetting and I just clammed up and could not talk.  

I then took that as a point that I myself had failed all the problems we are xperiencing are caused by me and the negativity I was putting on myself was menace

1. I am rubbish at my job

2.. I failed my team

3.  I failed the company

4. I failed me

5.  I failed the client

6. I am going to get fired

These thoughts are continually going through my head and I can't stop them.

I have taken a leave of absence for a couple of weeks to try and get my head right.

I know at face value this is not my fault alone and I know I won't get fired.. I also know that I am doing a good job.  But I feel I am self sabotaging myself and I am trying to stop it.

I was wondering if there were any coping mechanisms people are using that can help when these feelings hit.

I do talk about it to my spouse and close friends to get it off my chest.  But I worry that if I can't get this under control, I won't advance in my career.

  • Jimbo1975 said:
    I was wondering if there were any coping mechanisms people are using that can help when these feelings hit.

    I switch to project management techniques when this happens (I assume you understand this from your senior management role).

    Do a risk management approach on all the issues - stop thinking about how it makes you feel and pour the energy into capturing it on paper so you can see the whole picture.

    So create a risk matrix with all the risks listed and their severity, probability and impacy beside them plus space for the approach to be taken.

    For the ones with greatest impact and a modest or high probability then do a root cause analysis to understand the source.

    Build this up and get every scrap of info on there and you can clearly see what you are dealing with.

    Now start on the approach to be taken column and work out whether to decide to avoid, reduce, fall back, transfer, accept or share. These become the actions you will take.

    Suddenly you have all the answers in front of you and if you need to show to your management to back up your approach you are ready.

    Now you just need to follow up on the actions you decided on for the risks - if you need to threaten other people in order to do the tasks they agreed to then do it and copy whoever is breathing down your neck - be ruthless as your job is probably on the line if you don't.

    So you see by changing your focus to the right sort of technique you can channel the energy into a solution that gives you all the answers and gives you protection if someone is chasing you for lack of progress.

    That was my approach and it saved my bacon on more than a few occasions.

  • It is hard because the negative thoughts will spiral in your head, I've experienced the same problem too. Some CBT I did once taught me a technique to deal with catastrophising. I had to write down what I was worried about (or a list of them, but deal with one at a time), write down why I was worried about it or why I think I failed, then write the evidence that proves it in reality. For instance, there could be things that went wrong, but really it wasn't your fault because of something else someone did, or something out of your control happened that no-one expected, and so on. I've genuinely found that, for me, writing down my thoughts has helped get them out of my head and provide some perspective.

    If you are able to talk to others about it (and it sounds like you are) then that's great too, because other people will provide the correct perspective that you can't see yourself at the time. I can see, for example, you said that one area was continually not doing well, so to me that means other areas are going better - I understand why you feel the failure, but I don't see a complete failure, some things must be going right too. I do sympathise though, so I hope you're able to see yourself through this.

  • Welcome to the forum

    These are the NAS pages on 'Autism and catastrophising' if you've not seen them already.   Hopefully there may be something here that could benefit you in your current situation. 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autism-catastrophising

    Please seek professional help - including talking therapies available from your local Primary Care service as appropriate too, should you feel you are still not coping.   Good luck.