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The most painful friendship I ever had- thoughts?

hypercolius

I wanted to share this story. Mostly because of how badly it is affecting my current relationship with my closest friend. 

It started when I first came to university and lived in a flat with 11 others. And there was this girl there- CP. 

CP was an incredibly beautiful and intelligent girl at first glance. Very likeable and polite for the first part. 

Until time passed. I got her groceries (After making sure it was fine), and in general tried to look out for her. She soon began acting in a painful and humiliating way. She started a discussion about sex- which is something that causes me extreme discomfort. When it became apparent I didn't have a clue what she was on about, she said 'You're stitched up' to me. 

She also turned out to be a bully. I knew she had ADHD, but I have that too and I don't treat anyone like this. She would call me names all the time when we were playing games together, sometimes causing me to 'shut down' and then pressing me if I was ever going to continue when I got upset. 

One time, someone told me they would never speak to me again because I made cereal the wrong way and she supported them and also tried to make me feel I was doing it wrong and he was justified, an act which made me feel like I was losing my mind. 

So, eventually it all became too much and I unfollowed her on social media and made it clear to my friend (Who then disappeared) that I did not want to play games with her- at all. He told me he liked her and she told him she didn't understand why I reacted like that. I eventually did let her play with us, where she seemed to be far more in control of herself. 

Years passed. I have a nasty habit of reading news stories online, and I read one about how young women with mental health conditions are sometimes treated in the US. I imagined CP going through that and got properly terrified for her wellbeing. Yes, that's just what I'm like. 

I reached out to her. I asked her about her health condition (she said it was just ADHD) and wanted to make it clear I was there for her if anything happened to her. She thanked me. I apologised for what happened in 2022 (even though I shouldn't have been the one who did), and she said she 'appreciated it'. That's it. 

At any rate, we didn't talk for a few months until I got bullied out of a society because a popular girl got extremely offended that I asked her to stop swearing during training. I told CP about this. I told her everything I was feeling. I just wanted someone to talk to. She seemed helpful. 

Eventually I became so grateful to her that I asked to meet her, and gave her a gift as thank you. She got so happy that she began pressing me for my birthday date. Although I really didn't like how she was saying she wouldn't be surprised if I had ASD, she gave me lots of 'advice' about DSAs that time. 

I remembered how I once told someone from the same flat that she had 'beautiful eyes'. She enjoyed that comment. So I wrote CP and called her beautiful. 

She just blew up at that. She said 'Whilst I understand you were trying to be nice', that wasn't appropriate to say, saying she was in a relationship, which I really didn't know for sure. I apologised for that and asked her if we were still OK. She didn't reply. 

The next day, I wrote her good luck for her exam, which was that day. She told me thank you, but that 'I knew it was inappropriate and still said it', which wasn't true, that 'I can't be her friend', and so on, and blocked me. 

I knew this broke my heart when I deleted our entire chat history. I just didn't realise how badly. When I tried to open up to my long-term friend and ask for help because of a bereavement, I was so scared of doing so I had repeated meltdowns, and all because of this story with CP. 

What do you think? 

  • in reply to hypercolius

    If you feel your sessions of EDMR and CBT are not successful, you'll need to speak to the provider OR your GP and ask to be referred to secondary care.  This is a higher level of mental health provision, and you can't refer yourself to it - but they have better resources and might be able to find a more appropriate treatment.


  • Hi there

    I am so sorry that happened to you. I know this may not give you any sort of comfort but I know what you've been through. I went through a similar thing quite a number of years ago when I was in high school and I too have been left with mental scars from it. How CP treated you was atrocious and you certainly did not do anything wrong in any of the scenarios you mentioned. I do hope you have better friends now who treat you with love and respect 

  • We are forbidden by the rules from offering medical advice, so I think you could seek out a professional person who is trained and experienced in therapy for autistic people. I thing that you need someone who will understand your autistic repetitive thinking and could help you see that there is more in your life than what you see from your angle of projection.

    In the meantime, you might like to read The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy by Steph Jones. 

  • in reply to overwhelmed & underwhelmed

    I did have EMDR in the past. It did nothing. 

    I also am having CBT now. Given what happened repeatedly over the past week, I'm not sure that's helping either.

    Everything deteriorated massively the moment I reached out to my current best friend for help and, despite her  care, it seems that the mere act of being vulnerable again reminded me of CP and what she did. 

    I really hope SG doesn't find out that I'm so scared of her. Anything but that. 

  • in reply to Lotus

    That's exactly what I was thinking. At the start of my time in 2022, there were 2 girls who were behaving weirdly- they were distorting my name, etc, and in one of their cases the whole flat aside from me knew she was very interested in me. Those 2 were CP and someone else. 

    I for a long time felt CP was 'into' me and she was showing it via that weird name-calling stuff she was doing? There was another girl doing the same thing and on top of that everyone including CP were writing some pretty horrific 'hypercolius + AB' fanfic which mostly revolved around how they saw my 'relationship' with her. 

    And my thoughts exactly. CP never told me that she was in a relationship either. What she did do, however, is say she felt that the 2022 event was a 'misunderstanding'. That she said a few hours before she seems to have misunderstood my comment and blew up. 

    The reason she's done so much damage is because she was the last person I trusted so completely before I met my current best friend. And when I needed her help (the new girl is SG), she gave it to me twice and made it clear she was there for me. Unfortunately, the mere act of being 'vulnerable' triggered those awful memories of CP. 

  • I think you are over-analysing things to levels that cannot be beneficial to anyone.   People act strangely, you'll never work them out, and revisiting their actions - and even your own actions - months, if not years after the event, to ruminate over the ins and outs of every little thing are doing you precisely zero good. 

    I think you are searching for explanations, reasons & trying to apportion blame for things that would sometimes be better let go.  We can't go back and get these people & assemble them in a room to account for their actions & behaviours.  

    My Grandmother had a thing for those weird old sayings and one of her favourites was something that suggested everyone in the world is strange except herself and me (or whoever she happened to be speaking to at the time) but even the OP was odd on occasion.   I'd point out that she was seriously strange herself, but this was her way of saying - let them get on with it. 

    I also remember a very salient observation which read  'there's a reason that people in the past don't make it into your future'  -  perhaps you'd be better off not dipping into your past and bringing them with you.  

    We are meant to learn from the past, but not drag it behind us like something heavy on chains.  If we do, we will never escape & never have a chance of having a reasonable future.  I know this myself, because I have cPTSD. 

    This is the third or fourth time now that I've suggested you might do well to have a chat with someone from Primary care if you feel issues are getting too much.  You can arrange some talking therapy yourself, or via your GP.  

  • Well, I got a bit confused about who was doing what at one point, but this is what I think.

    I think CP fancied you and wanted a physical relationship, and because that didn't happen she started to bully you. I think the guy who said you made cereal "wrong" fancied CP and tried to turn her against you. When you got in touch with with CP years later maybe she tried to get back at you because things didn't work out how she wanted first time round. She shouldn't have met up with you if she was in an exclusive relationship and thought that someone saying she was beautiful was " inappropriate". Of course this is all guesswork, but I believe you're better off without her.

    Don't let this affect your new friendship - they are different people. Don't let CP stop you having something worthwhile, sounds like she's done enough damage.

    I wish you well