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Extreme trust issues in relationships

hypercolius

Hi everyone, 

I have extreme trust issues with others. And this week, it got as bad as it can get. I don't know what to do about it. I have been through therapy such as counselling and EMDR, and it didn't help at all. 

I'm very close to someone, and I'm always so scared she'll end up hurting me. This has been happening all my life (including a really bad situation in December when I opened my heart to someone completely and told them of how I'd been bullied out of a society, she appeared to first be very friendly but then exploded and blocked me when I said she was 'beautiful' as a sign of gratitude). 

I lost someone very close to cancer last week. She knew, she called me and she tried to make me feel better. This week to, I told her I was feeling awful and she again offered to call me. Then: 

  1. I panicked when she didn't get back to me for a day or so
  2. When she did get back to me, she was responding to my messages and then suddenly vanished, which caused me to have a meltdown as I was scared this meant she didn't want to talk anymore despite offering
  3. The next day, she read my message at 6am, apologised for vanishing, and suggested a time. I was still scared she wouldn't call me. She eventually did call me for an hour and made me feel better

And now as well, we had plans to spend the whole day together on Monday, she wrote me and said her car wouldn't be available. She apologised for ruining my plans and suggested instead doing it tomorrow or Tuesday. I said tomorrow, but she hasn't replied yet, also making me scared that she'll just forget and by the time she remembers the day would have passed. That's all I knew from my interactions with others- absolutely everyone treated me like this. 

I just want to be able to trust her. She got back to me, she called me when she said she would, she remembered herself, she messaged unprompted about Monday, and I'm still scared. 

If there was a way to erase my memory of all the past events where I went through exactly what I'm scared she might do now, I'd do it. 

  • in reply to Lakshmi

    She always keeps getting back to me. 

    I just feel I'm too badly hurt by my past to even be able to trust her the way she deserves to be trusted. 

    Yesterday, I also got worried because she changed our plans at the last minute, and offered another day with an apology. Then, she changed them again, also apologising. This was very upsetting but she still seemed to want to meet with me. 

    I was also worried about what she meant when she said 'if you like!' in response to me saying that I have no plans for April 'unless we decided to meet again'. 

    I think it is ultimately because in December, I fully trusted someone with all of my biggest problems. This person then exploded when I called her 'beautiful' and blocked me everywhere. 

    That's why, when I opened up and said I needed help- twice now- I was so scared she would do the same thing. She didn't, though. 

  • Hi, 

    I can very much relate to everything you shared. In such situations what helps me is giving myself time. By that I mean it's ok to not trust, it's ok to worry, to wonder and even to panic. Be kind to yourself. But do you think you can try to see the situation from her side ? Sometimes we tend to overfocus on one thing, everything goes fast. For other people they have a different pace. Their priorities are different, not because we are not important but they deal with things in a different order. Can you hold space in your mind for this fact ? Because if you do, maybe it will seem less like trust issues but just realising that you are two people that live at different rhythms. And so for you to trust you need an answer right away and that is so understandable. But it doesnt mean she's not trustworthy, it's just that she lives in a different rhythm. She thinks different and so maybe she answers late or forgets not because she doesn't care but just because it's never been an issue with her other friends. 

    Have you tried to talk to her about that ? Like just say something like "I struggle with last minutes plans, it makes me feel uneasy, could you be able to pick a date and time in advance so I can prepare ?" or "it's hard for me when you don't answer for a long time, do you think you could at least acknowledge you read my text". 

    You will be able to trust her when you will see that she is able to deal with what your struggling with. So by letting her know, she will be able to do something about it, you give her a chance to help you trust her. But if she doesn't, you're just running on hope and she can't guess. 

    So I really encourage to maybe share with her where you might feel uneasy. I really hope she responds well, and if she doesnt then there you go you have your answer, she doesn't deserve your time or trust. 

    Hope this helps :)