Hi, everyone I've never posted like this before but I could really use some advise.
My daughter is 17, and was diagnosed with "high functioning" autism when she was about 5. She is very very verbal lol, funny, well adjusted, social, and we are so proud of her. She is in AP classes in school and has friends. The one thing she struggles with from time to time is having accidents.
She was potty trained around the age of 6, it was extremely challenging because she was so wild at the time and struggled with slowing down enough to listen to her body. Eventually she did it and outside of a couple times a year under abnormal circumstances she was fully potty trained. The problem is she is 17 now and those couple times a year never stopped. Just to address it, she's been to many doctors and even did physical therapy for a year to strengthen her pelvic floor. The doctors eventually concluded that wasn't an issue for her.
I believe there are two different reasons it happens. The first is that she will sometimes have a really strong emotion and just loose control of her bladder for a brief moment. This is always wetting herself and to be honest I can live with it. Normally it happens when she's excited. For example, the last time was at the state fair and she got overstimulated and excited all at once when her brother won a prize at a game. No biggie, outside of her embarrassment, I had clean clothes in the car.
The second reason that it happens is she has extreme sensory aversions to public or unclean restrooms and will literally refuse to use them. This is the one I really struggle to understand, she is so independent in every other area of her life.
For example, last weekend we took the kids to the beach. It's a 2hr drive from the house, so we always stop at the same gas station for a bathroom break, sandwiches, etc. She she said she didn't have to go and rarely has issues so we thought nothing of it. When we got to the beach, just after unpacking everything she told us she needed to poop. The beach had porta potties and I took her to them but she refused to even go in. In the past my husband would cave and drive her to the nearest restroom 20 miles away. This time he told her no. I was in the water with my younger kids watching this all happen. Then after he refused a final time she walked over to the car, squatted, and filled her pants. I really couldn't believe my eyes since she hadn't done this for at least 3 years. Then she just stood there and said nothing. I got out of the water and rushed over to her, I asked if she had an accident and she didn't respond, just stood there. Then I realized how much of a mom fail this was, basically making my 17yo poop her pants because I didn't want to take her to a bathroom she could use. I did my best to help her clean up but we ended up going to in to town for wet wipes and clean clothes anyways. On the way there she told me she could've held it but it didn't matter because there was nowhere else to go.
I just don't know what to do. It's only a couple of times a year...maybe every 3 months or so but I can tell how bad she feels about it. Obviously there are lessons learned with the beach story but I've cleaned enough poopy butts in my life. The urine accidents are embarrassing but when she pooped her pants she just stood there in it and waited for me to clean her because she doesn't like to touch gross things. What's the solution? Do I put her in a pull-up any time it's a risk? Carry a toddler style travel potty in the car? I'm just trying to make things best for her, if she could control it she would, and if she could make herself use those restrooms, she would. When I ask her how I can help she has no ideas.
