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Dealing with plan changes

Wib

Distress caused by changes to plans is probably the worst part of being autistic for me.

 My partner was due to get to my place around half 11 today but he messaged me this morning saying it would be around half 1 as he woke up late and didn’t want to be in a rush.

Obviously this isn’t a big change but it’s caused me to feel irritated all morning. This irritation caused by plan changed is comparable to like if you had an itchy rash or a small headache. Like it’s not a ruin your day type of thing but it’s enough to make you feel a bit frustrated and distracted from your other tasks. 

I have communicated to my partner before about how sticking to plans and schedules is very important to me but it’s something he struggles to accommodate. I’m going to communicate it again when I see him.

However, I would like some strategies to help with this and to reduce my frustration when plan changes happen. This is because I feel like plan changes are inevitable and I don’t want to come across as unreasonable or for my irritation to ruin the plan when it does go ahead. 

Does anyone have any tips or advice for this ? At the moment I just try and distract myself but it’s hard for me as the fustration and anxiety caused by the plan change makes it hard to concentrate on other activities

Parents

  • I am pleased your partner messaged you to let you know he was not able to arrive at the previously expected time at your place (and that he gave you a revised time estimate for when he would likely be at your place).  That sounds like he took seriously one of your previous conversations about your planning needs.

    Something which I find helpful when my calendar will be interacting with that of another person; is to parallel-stream the "appointment".  By that I mean; when I arranged to host, meet up, visit, phone (or they phone me) or video call with someone from outside of my household:

    1) I put a reminder entry in my calendar about who / what / why / where / when / travel and parking arrangements (plus, anything I want to have ready for their visit, or a reminder of those things I want to remember to take to show them / give to them if I am going to their place / meeting them somewhere, and

    2) in my calendar (at the same time and duration in a different colour); I also insert another entry with another idea for something completely within my control, something I would like to do if there were a delay or change of plan necessary.  Something else to also look forward to instead of the first appointment with the other person. 

    - Maybe, I might select to take a book with me to where I was expecting to meet them at a cafe, or some errands at a library / a shopping list which I could complete at a nearby shops.

    - Perhaps, I might have chosen something to prepare for a cookery recipe to do at home (e.g. chop vegetables ready for a slow cooker Soup or Dal recipe), or a playlist of music for listening, or an art item to progress - just in case they don't arrive at my house on time for traffic reasons etc.

    Another technique (for when I am the one making the journey to meet someone) - is to schedule immediately after the meet up appointment; a socialising decompression activity which I would appreciate.  Then, if I have started traveling / arrived at the agreed meeting venue ...only to then find out / be informed the other person will not be able to attend on time (or at all) after all - I just promote forwards into the meeting appointment the decompression activity.  That way, it does not feel like as much of a wasted effort and journey.

    For example, when meeting a friend for lunch at a garden centre ... followed by shopping for the next upcoming relative's birthday gift and card.  If the friend text messages "bus is stuck in traffic, ETA 30 minutes late" ...I switch over into to 30 minutes of relative's birthday gift and card shopping mode.  That way, even if the friend has to cancel "sorry, migraine today - need to reschedule another day" etc., the journey has just switched it's function from lunch with a friend...to birthday gift shopping for a relative.

    I use consistent different colours for different types of calendar entries e.g. social appointment or course, versus good-for-me solo decompression activity, versus chore or essential executive functioning task etc.  It might seem strange to a non-neurodivergent person - works well for me - at a glance of my calendar - I can see what an afternoon of entries means to me (hopefully helps avoid "disappeared down a distraction" when something important had been scheduled).

Reply

  • I am pleased your partner messaged you to let you know he was not able to arrive at the previously expected time at your place (and that he gave you a revised time estimate for when he would likely be at your place).  That sounds like he took seriously one of your previous conversations about your planning needs.

    Something which I find helpful when my calendar will be interacting with that of another person; is to parallel-stream the "appointment".  By that I mean; when I arranged to host, meet up, visit, phone (or they phone me) or video call with someone from outside of my household:

    1) I put a reminder entry in my calendar about who / what / why / where / when / travel and parking arrangements (plus, anything I want to have ready for their visit, or a reminder of those things I want to remember to take to show them / give to them if I am going to their place / meeting them somewhere, and

    2) in my calendar (at the same time and duration in a different colour); I also insert another entry with another idea for something completely within my control, something I would like to do if there were a delay or change of plan necessary.  Something else to also look forward to instead of the first appointment with the other person. 

    - Maybe, I might select to take a book with me to where I was expecting to meet them at a cafe, or some errands at a library / a shopping list which I could complete at a nearby shops.

    - Perhaps, I might have chosen something to prepare for a cookery recipe to do at home (e.g. chop vegetables ready for a slow cooker Soup or Dal recipe), or a playlist of music for listening, or an art item to progress - just in case they don't arrive at my house on time for traffic reasons etc.

    Another technique (for when I am the one making the journey to meet someone) - is to schedule immediately after the meet up appointment; a socialising decompression activity which I would appreciate.  Then, if I have started traveling / arrived at the agreed meeting venue ...only to then find out / be informed the other person will not be able to attend on time (or at all) after all - I just promote forwards into the meeting appointment the decompression activity.  That way, it does not feel like as much of a wasted effort and journey.

    For example, when meeting a friend for lunch at a garden centre ... followed by shopping for the next upcoming relative's birthday gift and card.  If the friend text messages "bus is stuck in traffic, ETA 30 minutes late" ...I switch over into to 30 minutes of relative's birthday gift and card shopping mode.  That way, even if the friend has to cancel "sorry, migraine today - need to reschedule another day" etc., the journey has just switched it's function from lunch with a friend...to birthday gift shopping for a relative.

    I use consistent different colours for different types of calendar entries e.g. social appointment or course, versus good-for-me solo decompression activity, versus chore or essential executive functioning task etc.  It might seem strange to a non-neurodivergent person - works well for me - at a glance of my calendar - I can see what an afternoon of entries means to me (hopefully helps avoid "disappeared down a distraction" when something important had been scheduled).

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