I hope you will be patient with me, I have a lot to say and it's a long story, I have reached a time that I need to make a big decision and so maybe go my own way. I will call the person my partner but he is not I am upset because I still love him, but I need to love myself more and start terminating this 'relationship'.
To give you a bit of history we have been 'together' for 17 years, he is 11 years younger than me but to put it bluntly he was an old man from the age of 30, his parents had him during their second marriage and them being children of the 30s and 40s well he is like them spending most evenings watching old 1970s programs and now he has moved on to the 1980s and modern comedies and documentaries.
He hates real life programs about relationships, romance, or reality programs. The first year I met him he did go out every weekends, always drinking and smoking weed -which made him Psychotic and even more lazy, he smoked it so much his limbs use to constantly shake as if he had Parkinsons. Fortunately, he stopped. I don't know why I love this man, I have always been against drugs and until I met him rarely drank. He has reduced his drinking by not drinking during the week but unfortunately at weekends he drinks everything he would have drank during the week days! So on top of his Autism he is also bad tempered EVERY Sunday - obviously hungover. He is so on edge that the mere comment makes him burst in angry attack. This morning one of our cats threw up, I could hear him spraying and spraying disinfectant which gives me a headache and it is bad for us to breath in, so I came out of my bedroom and asked him to stop, that I had wet wipes, he immediately went into shouting mode - shouting that I always thought he was doing things wrong.
He has routines he didn't & doesn't ever go out Monday - Friday because it is a work day, at weekends he goes to the same places that we have visited these last 17 years and never anywhere different. Because he loves our 13 year old daughter he takes her to the centre of London but often it is stressful because he doesn't like the different sounds and the fact that there's a change to his routine. He is a kind man and his love for daughter is above everyone, in fact I find it a bit difficult and I think in another couple of years our daughter will rebel. He constantly texts her all through the week when she isn't at home - before and after school - whereas me he very rarely texts only to ask a question. he never misses me :)
Our relationship was quite normal but our human contact which started at once a fortnight - as he thought that was what 'normal' people did - this finished 10+ years ago when he realised that some neuro typical also don't like relations. and became less and less until now its been 3 years, he says he can't do it because we are not happy together because I am not kind, It is only an excuse there have been times that we have been very happy and it didn't happen and even when I was skinny and beautiful.... I am not bad looking I have had men making passes at me, the last time a couple of weeks ago. My life is full because I have many friends and a wonderful family.
The first few years he use to realise what he was like, not sure why that changed, he use to say ;'You are so kind and lovely, I don't know why you put up with me, I am so sorry, I will try' For years, he is never wrong, he says I am gas lighting, I am horrible to him, everything is my fault. It is so toxic.
I wish I could get the strength to leave, I am scared of being alone, of being one of those old women who go home to an empty house apart from the cat. I don't know if I could ever trust another man. He hid the fact that he was on the spectrum for many years, he was undiagnosed until a year ago; however, we met at work and we worked with young people with ASD. I suspected as the years went by, now the negartive behaviours/characteristics are prominent. He is also verbally abusive and does not care that our poor daughter and my son had to witness his dirty words for years, my family will rarely visit unless he is out of the house. He has no one except our youngest daughter ( I have 3 older children from my marriage - I have been divorced for nearly 20 years).
I can't finish this because he is hoovering outside my room and in a minute he will come here and I don't want another argument, I keep having to stay out of the house now for the last year, I am really fortunate because my 2 daughters have moved back to the area and I can go and visit them, I also have great friends who live nearby,
I stay because I also keep thinking he is going to change. I am stuck
