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Late diagnosed female with autism (39) shutting down

Jax

Hi,

I was diagnosed with autism a few weeks ago. I was angry - I grieved for the life I could have had , how things could have been different.

But now I am going through something else. I can barely form sentences, the cognitive effort of speaking to anyone is so great that a ten minute conversation makes me feel exhausted , everything is too loud , my body hurts all the time and I am struggling to see the point in anything.

I had a week off work and got nothing done I was intending to. I just stayed in bed and occasionally played animal crossing. Now I am back at work and yesterday I had to stop at 1:30 because I physically couldn't stay awake any longer. Back at my desk today (work from home) but everything is just a lot.

In the past when this has happened when I had other diagnoses I was considered to be in a depressive state. Now I don't even know if that is what this is anymore. I feel like i've lost the language to describe what's happening.

I don't really know what I am saying - has anyone experienced similar?

Parents

  • Hi All,

    Thank you for all your help. 

    I thought I would update you.

    I was signed off of work. For two weeks. I am back now under reduced hours. I have been re-referred to NHS for psychiatric care and psychotherapy. 

    Still no nearer to any answers. Work is difficult. It is like a switch has been pushed and I am seeing behind the curtain and just can't care about it anymore. For context I am a director of compliance and risk. I just keep reading the emails and thinking who cares honestly , what is the point?

    I am finding it really hard to put my game face back on. Next week I will have to take meetings again and the thought of looking at people and them looking at me and having to remember how to be around them is exhausting. 

    But this is life right? I don't even know anymore. 

    Outside of work I am trying to get my sleep sorted, I have had 4 different medications to help me sleep in the last few weeks from the Dr, none have worked. The last one was 1mg of Melatonin and of course it done nothing and the Dr said I need to wear myself out more to be able to get to sleep. 

    I can sleep but not at normal times - if everyone else is going to sleep I am wide awake and if they are awake I can sleep.

    Honestly, the weather isn't helping as I really dislike the sun - it is so bright and warm and I feel constantly uncomfortable.

    I don't know. I just don't know. 

    I hope you are all doing okay and sending you so much love for welcoming me into this community.

Reply

  • Hi All,

    Thank you for all your help. 

    I thought I would update you.

    I was signed off of work. For two weeks. I am back now under reduced hours. I have been re-referred to NHS for psychiatric care and psychotherapy. 

    Still no nearer to any answers. Work is difficult. It is like a switch has been pushed and I am seeing behind the curtain and just can't care about it anymore. For context I am a director of compliance and risk. I just keep reading the emails and thinking who cares honestly , what is the point?

    I am finding it really hard to put my game face back on. Next week I will have to take meetings again and the thought of looking at people and them looking at me and having to remember how to be around them is exhausting. 

    But this is life right? I don't even know anymore. 

    Outside of work I am trying to get my sleep sorted, I have had 4 different medications to help me sleep in the last few weeks from the Dr, none have worked. The last one was 1mg of Melatonin and of course it done nothing and the Dr said I need to wear myself out more to be able to get to sleep. 

    I can sleep but not at normal times - if everyone else is going to sleep I am wide awake and if they are awake I can sleep.

    Honestly, the weather isn't helping as I really dislike the sun - it is so bright and warm and I feel constantly uncomfortable.

    I don't know. I just don't know. 

    I hope you are all doing okay and sending you so much love for welcoming me into this community.

Children
  • in reply to Jax

    The most important thing is to get enough sleep, so sleep whenever you can, doesn't matter what time of day it is. Try eating carb heavy foods and reading in the evening, and if you're using an e-book turn on blue shade. If I'm feeling like I can't settle to a book, I'll play solitaire or a word game on my tablet - the repetitive nature of a game like that is like "mental stimming" for me. Make sure the room is cool enough and the curtains or blinds are shut tight when you try to sleep. A fan can help, as it cools the room and also provides background white noise which can be soothing .

    If you're not ready to go back to work meetings, speak to your doctor about this - they may sign you off again. If they don't, speak to HR or your manager and say you're not ready yet. I see no point in you being made to do something you don't feel you can cope with as it may make you unwell again, and then you'll have to take time off anyway.

    If I was you I'd also be reassessing whether this is the right job for you. Can you afford to take time off to retrain, or maybe you could move to a low stress role or one where you don't have to interact with people so much?

    Wishing you well.

  • in reply to Jax

    I hope your good self-care routines help to re-anchor you OK. 

    I wish that you can give yourself the time to - not sure of the best word choice - maybe quell or acclimatise?

    It is easy, or somewhat glib, to say: "be patient with yourself" but there is wisdom behind the sentiment and intent.

    However, there is also absolutely no dishonour in seeking help with things if you are struggling.

    Next week looks like a slightly less sunny week - so maybe you can shuffle your calendar tasks with your own area's weather forecast in mind.

    Best wishes.