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Mindfulness about using certain phrases when feeling anger, sadness and frustration

Dana

Hello everyone,

I recently got into a fight with a person from Croatia who used to be my friend (or I only considered her as a friend because she only considers me just as a colleague and housemate). I asked her where the hoover was. She answered upstairs. I asked where. She said upstairs in the boiler room. She started to explain to me where the boiler like I didn't know where it was. I have been living in the house for 2 years, longer than her. I told her that I know where the boiler room was. She started to yell at me, saying to me that I don't know where it is, that she explained to me a thousand times. Just to be clear, she explained to me just once. She only wants to be the smartest person of the world. She is really arrogant. I asked 'What's wrong with you?'. She then said angrily 'What's wrong with you! I explained to you many times. Don't ask if you don't understand!'. I was feeling angry, upset, frustrated and I was crying almost all day. I was trying to do some mindfulness exercises. It calmed me down at the moment, but when I think about it, I became sad once again.

A little bit of a backstory: she started to distance from me since the end of January. A colleague of her is going to leave, and she was feeling upset and angry. She took it on me, which wasn't fair. I didn't talk to her too much because she just wants her space, but over time, the distance became bigger, and I started to resent each other. I even had some vengeful thoughts, which I shouldn't. We just say 'hi' to each other when we go to the kitchen, and that's it. We still go to work together because I don't have a driving licence and a car yet. When she told me that we are not friends and that fight, that was the final straw for me. I have never felt so worse in my entire life. I felt like I was bullied again. It reminded me of my school years. 

She was also the kind of person who only yelled at me and complained to me about her issues, while with others, she is kind and positive. 

Maybe I am overreacting a little bit, maybe I interpreted things from just my own perspective... Was it the right approach to ask "What's wrong with you"? If not, then how can I deal with stressful situations without using hurtful words? What would be the right approach? Your answer will be appreciated? 

Thank you and have a nice weekend! Blush

  • in reply to Joe

    I usually pay her £10 per week because she is giving me a lift. 

    We work at the same company, but different departments. 

    I understand your perspective. It is even more complicated to live together. We used to be friends (or we were never friends). I just can't stand people with short tempers, they are horrible people. 

  • I think asking someone 'are you ok?', 'Is everything ok?', 'Can I do anything to help?' would be a bit softer that 'What's wrong with you?' which suggests that you think there is something wrong with them and that whatever the issue is, it's their problem.  It's a difficult expression to use without sounding aggressive, I can't even think of a way of saying it which doesn't sound accusatory.

    Living in a shared house is really difficult and there will be arguments, fallings out etc about really minor stuff.  If you are working together as well then that could be even more intense.  If it were me I would either keep my distance or try and build a bridge if you think it would be worthwhile.  Do you split the cost of going to work? If not maybe you could give her some money for petrol?  Perhaps you could offer to cook for her or do something else nice like cleaning the kitchen or the bathroom or something.  Maybe just give her the space she's asked for.