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Advice for how to communicate with my autistic husband at difficult times

evkyne96

Hi there 

I am new to the group - but have joined in the hope of learning 

My husband has been diagnosed this year with OCD, high functioning ASD and has been referred for an ADHD diagnosis too. He also has dyspraxia which we have always known. The diagnosis’ last year were discovered as a result of seeking treatment for psychotic episodes. 2024 was also the year we got married, so there was lots of going on and it was definitely the most challenging year of both of our lives. 

My husband is doing amazing and has reached the end of his treatment now. However, we got the news a week ago that I have thyroid cancer. There have been struggles particularly around communication over the past week as this is the first time I myself have had personal struggles since my husband’s diagnosis. 

My husband is an incredibly affectionate and gentle man who shows me a great deal of love, however I have at times felt unseen or unheard by him when I have felt down or like he isn’t helping me organisationally/domestically at this difficult time. 

We have argued a fair bit this week because as much as I try to explain things verbally, it’s almost like my husband cannot understand it any doesn’t know how to show comfort or understanding, it can leave me feeling a bit neglected in that moment. 

I want to learn how to best communicate during difficult times with my husband as I know his intentions are pure, we have thought about maybe communicating through writing instead of verbally as my husband almost shuts down verbally and doesn’t pick up on either verbal or non verbal queues. Has this ever worked for anyone? 

Can I ask either spouses or individuals who have ASD for some advice on what has worked for them before? Or how communicating about heavy topics verbally makes them feel? Sometimes I feel like I can see my husband distressed but he doesn’t have the words to tell me about it

Any advice is greatly appreciated - my husband is my best friend and I want to do anything I can to make these difficult times work for both of us 

Thanks in advance 

Parents

  • Autistic people can sometimes feel a disconnect of expression concerning major problems, while we can react with disproportionate agitation to minor niggles and disappointments. It does not mean that our feelings are blunted, quite the reverse. Empathy in autists can be very deep, but the outward expression can differ from neurotypical norms to a considerable degree. If a close friend told me of a serious problem, my reaction would tend not to be hugs and 'there-there' type expressions, but to dissect the problem and offer advice. If asked for a hug, I would give one, though. Perhaps a direct statement of your emotional needs and exactly how your husband could meet them, might work.

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  • Autistic people can sometimes feel a disconnect of expression concerning major problems, while we can react with disproportionate agitation to minor niggles and disappointments. It does not mean that our feelings are blunted, quite the reverse. Empathy in autists can be very deep, but the outward expression can differ from neurotypical norms to a considerable degree. If a close friend told me of a serious problem, my reaction would tend not to be hugs and 'there-there' type expressions, but to dissect the problem and offer advice. If asked for a hug, I would give one, though. Perhaps a direct statement of your emotional needs and exactly how your husband could meet them, might work.

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