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Advice for how to communicate with my autistic husband at difficult times

evkyne96

Hi there 

I am new to the group - but have joined in the hope of learning 

My husband has been diagnosed this year with OCD, high functioning ASD and has been referred for an ADHD diagnosis too. He also has dyspraxia which we have always known. The diagnosis’ last year were discovered as a result of seeking treatment for psychotic episodes. 2024 was also the year we got married, so there was lots of going on and it was definitely the most challenging year of both of our lives. 

My husband is doing amazing and has reached the end of his treatment now. However, we got the news a week ago that I have thyroid cancer. There have been struggles particularly around communication over the past week as this is the first time I myself have had personal struggles since my husband’s diagnosis. 

My husband is an incredibly affectionate and gentle man who shows me a great deal of love, however I have at times felt unseen or unheard by him when I have felt down or like he isn’t helping me organisationally/domestically at this difficult time. 

We have argued a fair bit this week because as much as I try to explain things verbally, it’s almost like my husband cannot understand it any doesn’t know how to show comfort or understanding, it can leave me feeling a bit neglected in that moment. 

I want to learn how to best communicate during difficult times with my husband as I know his intentions are pure, we have thought about maybe communicating through writing instead of verbally as my husband almost shuts down verbally and doesn’t pick up on either verbal or non verbal queues. Has this ever worked for anyone? 

Can I ask either spouses or individuals who have ASD for some advice on what has worked for them before? Or how communicating about heavy topics verbally makes them feel? Sometimes I feel like I can see my husband distressed but he doesn’t have the words to tell me about it

Any advice is greatly appreciated - my husband is my best friend and I want to do anything I can to make these difficult times work for both of us 

Thanks in advance 

Parents

  • Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear about your cancer. That must be so hard for you, I hope it is treatable.

    I'm not sure what advice I could give here. Instead, I was hoping to tell you something that I experienced with my wife. There was a time a few years ago that she was in trouble, something affected her physical and mental health drastically. I am the ND husband in this relationship, and leading up to that point I was the one who was her support, helping her over many years, but at the point of the situation I mentioned I had reached my breaking point. The issue I've always had is that my mind is wired to solve problems and fix things, and the health condition my wife was experiencing was something that was impossible for me to fix - it wasn't even my fault, though I would always blame myself for not trying hard enough or supporting her enough. She got better over a period of time, but I had given up, I had shutdown a lot. It then took me a long time to get over that burnout and support her in a more sustainable way.

    Where am I going with this? I suppose if this is a similar situation, then your husband may be dealing with a monumental change in the only way he can think of. You said you were diagnosed a week ago, so a lot has changed suddenly in both your lives. He may be trying to work out a lot of different, conflicting emotions all at once too - something I certainly felt. However, I do believe that he should also understand that you need him too, otherwise he may distance himself too much from you. You mentioned writing to each other, if that is the way that works for you then do it, any way you can get through to each other. I really admire the fact that you're trying your best to support him during a difficult time for yourself, but you should also think about you too, be honest with each other.

    I wish you well.

Reply

  • Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear about your cancer. That must be so hard for you, I hope it is treatable.

    I'm not sure what advice I could give here. Instead, I was hoping to tell you something that I experienced with my wife. There was a time a few years ago that she was in trouble, something affected her physical and mental health drastically. I am the ND husband in this relationship, and leading up to that point I was the one who was her support, helping her over many years, but at the point of the situation I mentioned I had reached my breaking point. The issue I've always had is that my mind is wired to solve problems and fix things, and the health condition my wife was experiencing was something that was impossible for me to fix - it wasn't even my fault, though I would always blame myself for not trying hard enough or supporting her enough. She got better over a period of time, but I had given up, I had shutdown a lot. It then took me a long time to get over that burnout and support her in a more sustainable way.

    Where am I going with this? I suppose if this is a similar situation, then your husband may be dealing with a monumental change in the only way he can think of. You said you were diagnosed a week ago, so a lot has changed suddenly in both your lives. He may be trying to work out a lot of different, conflicting emotions all at once too - something I certainly felt. However, I do believe that he should also understand that you need him too, otherwise he may distance himself too much from you. You mentioned writing to each other, if that is the way that works for you then do it, any way you can get through to each other. I really admire the fact that you're trying your best to support him during a difficult time for yourself, but you should also think about you too, be honest with each other.

    I wish you well.

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