Advice for how to communicate with my autistic husband at difficult times

I'm sorry to hear about the cancer. That must be hard.

It might feel like a disconnect, but the best advice is to be direct. Write down what you need. I have read psychologists who recommend this for Non-Autistic relationships as we've been raised in a time where adverts and media, AI and google all explicitly or implicitly tell us that True Connexion is when you have a need met through telepathy. This hasn't ever been true. In truth, we wouldn't want someone to read our minds.

According to the Hemisphere theory, the "Left" is where social-linguistics is 'programmed' and the "Right hemisphere" has access to vocabulary, but this side is where we're open to receive any and all information, supposedly it's sent to the Left to organise and compartmentalise and then should be sent back to the Right for creative work.

What appears to connect most neurodivergent thinkers is a heightened sense-perception meaning everything impacts us with a greater intensity and hyper-signalling (brain running faster than we can communicate, ability to make seemingly invisible connexions), both of which tend to make daily life feel like everything is hitting us all-at-once and that's with no stress. Perhaps this changes our threshold to what we can handle psychologically, which creates a bias of what we think everyone can handle.

Most ADHD'rs and Dyslexics tend to have a heightened awareness of Left hemisphere social linguistics (like unspoken cues). But Autistic thinking includes other abilities at the expense of Left hemisphere social linguistics, which, while it has an evolutionary advantage, isn't better understood for the potential, just spoken about as a deficit. We appear fearless, but really we didn't get the memo. We appear unique, but aren't easily socially programmed. I think most of us have an added bonus of difficulty accessing the word to attach to everything going on in our head all the time. Similar to non-speaking autistics, it's incredibly frustrating. And this can go part and parcel with never being able to identify feelings, sometimes until years later. It means having intense emotions and being internally impacted to a degree without the release of being able to name a thing. And this can compound frustration. 

Your husband may want to communicate but can't. If there's stress, this can amplify it which further shuts down the ability to speak. Here is why I advocate for ancient human forms of communication through art: music, drawing, movement. Things we all can express with. Perhaps you could ask him to make you a good classic mixtape to communicate?

But also, while you might be able to bypass what is happening and be able to ID your feelings on the matter, it might be more useful for him to spell out what is happening, a chain of events. For instance, how am I feeling today? Well, it might be raining, but I'm wearing the right socks and came prepared. How do I feel about said politician? I didn't vote for them, they're making a mess of things and it's going to cost everyone. << much easier as there's no blanket feeling here, it's a big mixture of things.

I have only managed better since mid 30's and from taking time away from others to read good journalists, go to the library and expand my vocabulary. But I'm a single mum and my son is now nearly 30. I know this is hard to find time to do with many other responsibilities, as uninterrupted time is needed, though the Sunday paper can help.

Thank you for your thoughts and kind words - it’s funny you say that because he has made me a playlist before completely unprompted! Maybe I should try and explore these things at the time where I feel a bit unsure around the verbal communication. We have had a chat and said it would be good to maybe start using Microsoft office to almost keep a diary as a form of conversation - which ties in with what you have said about the AI and directness of it. That makes perfect sense. Thanks again I’m very grateful for you taking the time to read and comment. It’s great to hear about a personal experience where you have started to feel better yourself, especially with a child as I imagine that has been really challenging. We don’t have children yet and it’s something I can often get nervous about - but I’m an overthinker by nature anyway. Thanks again x 

Thank you for your thoughts and kind words - it’s funny you say that because he has made me a playlist before completely unprompted! Maybe I should try and explore these things at the time where I feel a bit unsure around the verbal communication. We have had a chat and said it would be good to maybe start using Microsoft office to almost keep a diary as a form of conversation - which ties in with what you have said about the AI and directness of it. That makes perfect sense. Thanks again I’m very grateful for you taking the time to read and comment. It’s great to hear about a personal experience where you have started to feel better yourself, especially with a child as I imagine that has been really challenging. We don’t have children yet and it’s something I can often get nervous about - but I’m an overthinker by nature anyway. Thanks again x