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Advice for how to communicate with my autistic husband at difficult times

evkyne96

Hi there 

I am new to the group - but have joined in the hope of learning 

My husband has been diagnosed this year with OCD, high functioning ASD and has been referred for an ADHD diagnosis too. He also has dyspraxia which we have always known. The diagnosis’ last year were discovered as a result of seeking treatment for psychotic episodes. 2024 was also the year we got married, so there was lots of going on and it was definitely the most challenging year of both of our lives. 

My husband is doing amazing and has reached the end of his treatment now. However, we got the news a week ago that I have thyroid cancer. There have been struggles particularly around communication over the past week as this is the first time I myself have had personal struggles since my husband’s diagnosis. 

My husband is an incredibly affectionate and gentle man who shows me a great deal of love, however I have at times felt unseen or unheard by him when I have felt down or like he isn’t helping me organisationally/domestically at this difficult time. 

We have argued a fair bit this week because as much as I try to explain things verbally, it’s almost like my husband cannot understand it any doesn’t know how to show comfort or understanding, it can leave me feeling a bit neglected in that moment. 

I want to learn how to best communicate during difficult times with my husband as I know his intentions are pure, we have thought about maybe communicating through writing instead of verbally as my husband almost shuts down verbally and doesn’t pick up on either verbal or non verbal queues. Has this ever worked for anyone? 

Can I ask either spouses or individuals who have ASD for some advice on what has worked for them before? Or how communicating about heavy topics verbally makes them feel? Sometimes I feel like I can see my husband distressed but he doesn’t have the words to tell me about it

Any advice is greatly appreciated - my husband is my best friend and I want to do anything I can to make these difficult times work for both of us 

Thanks in advance 

Parents

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    i’m really sorry to hear of your struggles. Hopefully some others here will be able to share some of their own experiences and advice.

    This area (improving communication with my partner) is one that, I - from the perspective of someone whose autism diagnosis is very recent - am currently working on.

    I recommend this book. It focuses on helping autistic + neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

    Note: the book was written when Asperger's syndrome was still an official diagnostic term, whereas this now simply falls under Autism Spectrum Disorder / Condition (ie autism). 

    Caveat: when moving from discussion of one issue / scenario to the next, the author often switches which of the partners is neurodivergent (him / her), which can make it a little confusing until you've worked out who's who each time. But that inconvenience felt well worth the effort to me.

    You might also find this NAS resource helpful:

    NAS - Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

    You could perhaps also consider couples counselling, ideally led by a counsellor who is experienced in working with neurodivergent people.

Reply

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    i’m really sorry to hear of your struggles. Hopefully some others here will be able to share some of their own experiences and advice.

    This area (improving communication with my partner) is one that, I - from the perspective of someone whose autism diagnosis is very recent - am currently working on.

    I recommend this book. It focuses on helping autistic + neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

    Note: the book was written when Asperger's syndrome was still an official diagnostic term, whereas this now simply falls under Autism Spectrum Disorder / Condition (ie autism). 

    Caveat: when moving from discussion of one issue / scenario to the next, the author often switches which of the partners is neurodivergent (him / her), which can make it a little confusing until you've worked out who's who each time. But that inconvenience felt well worth the effort to me.

    You might also find this NAS resource helpful:

    NAS - Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

    You could perhaps also consider couples counselling, ideally led by a counsellor who is experienced in working with neurodivergent people.

Children