Autism diagnosis and the change it may have

Being righteous is a good thing! And who said you can't be batman?!? ;) 

A few years ago I used to do a lot of charity work so I can kinda relate - always been the kind of person who (trying anyway) stands up for causes... 

I think I have been fortunate to work for myself for a while, which made some things easier but in many ways also helped disguise my situation, which makes my current process even more refreshing.

Sometimes when I am in social / work situations I genuinely start to question what I am doing - so although I am (extremely) new to the community I think it seems like a normal reaction... whatever normal means eh...

It was helpful to read your introduction, hope we stay in touch - I think one of the worst potential aspects is isolation, which is why I feel I am quite lucky with my partner! She is very understanding of things and my quirky (or I'm sure at times just plain frustrating) tendencies - if I have learnt anything in the last couple of weeks it is to (try) and be happy in my own skin.

Thank you very much X_Force, it’s important to have loved ones around us and people we are comfortable with definitely. My partner also has to put up with my rigid approach to life, no sudden ideas to go places because I haven’t had a chance to think about it etc my dislike for parties and social situations which involve a perceived natural ability to blend in and mimic others subconsciously, I can’t do that either way because frankly it’s that forced I feel a little sick and not true to myself who is then ashamed of having to try to “fit in” because I’ve been reminded of what l lack. And wow working for yourself must be quite the safety net at times, it’s something I wish I could also do, it’s good to know you’ve made the choice to start to accept yourself! 

Working for myself has been a double edged sword tbh. I often found myself in uncomfortable situations and can't help be quite honest in situations (and while I actually think that is right apparently the world does not always agree...).

There have been too many times to count in the last few years where I have avoided and excused myself from situations simply because I couldn't cope with things. Most of these situations I kept to myself in the past so while on the surface it has seemed stable on the inside it has been anything but for large periods...

I think I have found this forum at the right time too. I am going through some changes with my work and I will be moving in the summer too - change makes me uncomfortable, stressed and forces me to go into overdrive in many things... so I hope being able to be honest about it in advance for once will help and make a difference!

I started to ponder about what I lack and ended up feeling quite depressed if I'm honest. I have also has some recent conversations with my brother which have been extremely difficult because of a lack of response and the process we go through. (At times I literally feel like I want to scream out loud and it takes a lot not to!) Then I end up feeling exhausted at the end of the day...

But rather than ponder what I am lacking I have decided to try and focus on what I am good at. I am not a professional writer in any stretche of the imagination. However I do seem to possess some skills in this area (also related to some of my previous charity work) - it has been a revelation for me! When I get stressed or especially when I can't sleep at the minute I am trying to write poems, really just as a way to express myself really... I have found it helpful.

Working for myself has been a double edged sword tbh. I often found myself in uncomfortable situations and can't help be quite honest in situations (and while I actually think that is right apparently the world does not always agree...).

There have been too many times to count in the last few years where I have avoided and excused myself from situations simply because I couldn't cope with things. Most of these situations I kept to myself in the past so while on the surface it has seemed stable on the inside it has been anything but for large periods...

I think I have found this forum at the right time too. I am going through some changes with my work and I will be moving in the summer too - change makes me uncomfortable, stressed and forces me to go into overdrive in many things... so I hope being able to be honest about it in advance for once will help and make a difference!

I started to ponder about what I lack and ended up feeling quite depressed if I'm honest. I have also has some recent conversations with my brother which have been extremely difficult because of a lack of response and the process we go through. (At times I literally feel like I want to scream out loud and it takes a lot not to!) Then I end up feeling exhausted at the end of the day...

But rather than ponder what I am lacking I have decided to try and focus on what I am good at. I am not a professional writer in any stretche of the imagination. However I do seem to possess some skills in this area (also related to some of my previous charity work) - it has been a revelation for me! When I get stressed or especially when I can't sleep at the minute I am trying to write poems, really just as a way to express myself really... I have found it helpful.

I have struggled with being direct and honest my whole life. It is only recently I have sensed that this may be linked to my unique view of the world, my particular sense of right and wrong (which for me generally is pretty black and white and a tad absolute if I'm honest!).

I watched a channel 4 documentary called am I autistic recently and early on a uni professor was attempting to create new tests with reveal autistic traits. Two tests were specifically related to how autistic people view things differently.

When I watched the tests themselves I actually agreed, wholeheartedly, with with the autistic perspective. Which actually made me think about and look at myself a bit more deeply.

I was also a bit uncomfortable though because the same professor described autism as simply being unable to understand or connect in social situations... I was a bit annoyed actually which I think is also telling lol - I hate it and really struggle when forced to do things (especially when I don't understand why or agree with the reasons).

I felt her description was a bit rubbish tbh - I don't think autistic people don't know about social norms, they just don't think it is important. Honestly in most situations I could not care less about what you did with your friend two weeks ago. I struggle with the relevance!

I get some, perhaps more challenged autism suffers, may have difficulty expressing themselves - but I think this leads to misconceptions and misunderstanding from the general population! I was amazed, and humbled by a recent Chris Packman documentary I watched - where he helped 4 autistic people tell their stories in short videos.

1 person was non verbal and uses a keyboard to write, which can be slow and challenging - but when he wrote his script it had more depth, heart and intelligence than most things is hear on TV I can tell you.

Feeling like you have upset someone is also annoying - this is something I have started to consider, when accepting my brain works differently. It feels like a minefield at times - I have never really understood why simple things become complicated. But that trigger alone has encouraged me to accept maybe I just work differently!

Again, I am trying to focus on what I do better because somethings I really do seem to be able to do well. I saw another documentary from PBS online and it was about a guy who was diagnosed in his sixties - he described autism as his superpower! And I quite liked that summary (even if it does not mean I can fly lol)

Thanks for lengthy reply there, I think sometimes it’s hard to not say what you think because it just comes out because it’s a thought you believed was correct before it’s had a chance to upset anyone. But also sometimes speaking the truth because it’s the truth isn’t a bad thing? But that could be my undiagnosed autism coming out. I am at that stage right now where I’m having to accept that work is causing me a lot almost burn out I suppose. I’ve tried to accept the managers keep changing things and that it doesn’t concern me but it does it I don’t know what I’m doing from one day to the next or if the staff will be in a good mood or not? Have I upset someone? Changing this much feels like a personal attack on me, sorry if that sounds silly but you seem like a cool person!