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Help don’t know where to turn

ClaireBear22

Hi I’m a mother with two girls one moved out the other still with me she has many diagnoses main is autism,she’s 24 very intelligent,very strong minded. She stays at home as she has agoraphobia. I have my own issues with health so I’m unable to work plus I’ve been with my daughter all her life.

Everything that she has to deal with at home is always my fault if something happens like we’ve had builders here. My husband and I work so hard so it works round her. That’s just one example.

Anyway over the last couple of years her behaviour towards me has become horrendous the things she has called me I can’t put on here but hurtful is what it is. I’ve not had one night away from her in 3 years. She absolutely hates her step father and is so rude to him. We booked a holiday last year and her sister let me down so we lost all our money. We have booked a holiday for this year as I need to get away but this has not gone down well the things she’s said were awful delusional,I’m denying her needs,I live in a fantasy world she seems me for what I am,all of this is just a tiny bit of what it’s like. If anyone can help I’d accept anything. So I cancel the holiday again,I don’t get any help as social services say as she’s an adult she has to consent and she still hasn’t. I’ve had two break downs in the last six months. Am I silly for doing her washing up picking her bowls up after her she’ll go in the kitchen whilst we’re watching tv and play music full blast no regard for anyone else. I do her washing pick stuff up after as I just want a clean house. I’ll stop now else I’ll go on forever. Please someone help as I’m literally at my wits end x

  • This sounds awful and I really empathise with you. There is no easy way out of this situation, so the only ideas I have may sound a bit harsh and difficult to implement, but please understand that its coming from a place of trying to help.

    First and foremost, you must understand and get her to understand that at some point in the future you will no longer be there to pick up her dirty dishes, do her washing, buy food, cook meals and keep the house clean. Also rudeness to the person who gives her a roof over her head and takes care of her is unacceptable. So things need to change.

    If I was you I would stop doing her washing and give her written instructions how to use the washing machine, and collect up any dirty bowls she leaves in the living areas then put them in her room and tell her to wash them herself. I would not tidy her room, I'd just shut the door if it was a mess so I couldn't see it.  I'd also make it clear that loud music in the evening is unacceptable as it may disturb your neighbours, so she must wear headphones, otherwise whatever device it is she is playing music on will be confiscated until the next day. While she lives in your house it should be your rules.

    You say she is intelligent but cannot go out due to agoraphobia, but you do not say if she is getting any disability benefits such as PIP. If not and the agoraphobia is the only thing stopping her working, has any therapy been tried to help her manage this? Can she get a job working from home?

    You need to look after yourself and it does sound like you need a break away, so why not go away with your partner and leave her at home? Make sure she knows how to use a microwave and leave some frozen meals in the freezer. An intelligent woman of 24 should be able to look after herself for a few days.

    I really hope things improve for you soon - take care of yourself.