Where's the line between my partner being abusive and being autistic?

He throws huge fits (crying, screaming, punching things, throwing himself on the floor, shaking), even though I've told him repeatedly that they make me feel unsafe in my own home. I cannot eat around him. I can't relax around him. He makes me so anxious because I never know what is going to cause another fit. One sure way to get him to throw a fit is to tell him he's hurt my feelings. If I tell him something has hurt me, I don't get to be comforted. I get to watch him despair. If it were anyone else, I would say it was abusive. But, how does his autism play into this? What can I expect out of him? We moved from Spain to Germany where noise complaints could get us kicked out of our apartment and could make me lose my job (My boss gave us the apartment. It comes with my job. If she finds out we've gotten a noise complaint, she's going to fire me.). I've explained to him how this is emotionally abusive and could turn into economic abuse if he makes me lose my job. 

It's not just the fits, though. I made an account and posted here for the first time because, this morning, he asked about a new coffee cup in our kitchen. 

I said: "It was a Christmas gift from my bosses. I like it. Look, the font is special because it was created by a Dutch artist..." [I see him losing interest, so I cut it short.] "Anyway, I think it's cute. I was telling you I wanted a cute coffee cup and now I have one." 

He said: "Hmm. I won't tell you what I think about it." 

I know it's stupid and small, but it sent me over the edge. 

I can understand being flooded with shame, especially because he was raised by a narcissist and he's autistic. He's reading books about CPTSD, Anger management, DBT, narcissistic parents. He said he'll go to therapy soon for all of this. 

I cannot understand being mean about a gift someone received. Like, I cannot even imagine myself saying something like this to an enemy. 

This morning, I had to buy a 600 euro bed to put in our living room because he thrashes when he sleeps. I told him he could stay in the nice, big bed in the bedroom. I would take the new twin bed in the living room. Over the holidays, we slept in separate beds for almost three weeks for one reason or another and it's the first consistent sleep I've had in years. The last two nights, we tried sleeping in the same bed again and he kept me awake both nights. This morning, he woke me up at 4:30 in the morning. I'm perimenopausal. Sleep is so precious to me and absolutely required, as I'm the only one working and I'm a very physically active nanny for two children. He got really mopey and I had to comfort him again...after he kept me up all night and I had to buy a new bed. I also had to have the bed delivered to the house because I knew if I asked him to go with me to IKEA that it would turn into an argument. Or, he would say he didn't have time to go. 

What is going on in my home?  

  • Autism isn't an excuse for being like this, you can come up with all the diagnostic excuses you like, and thats what many of them are, he must know how stressed you are, but he's choosing to ignore you. If his thrashing about in his sleep is disturbing you then what about two single beds?

    I used to have argument with an ex whos wasn't autistic about things he didn't like or rather things I'd brought into the home, some people are just selfish and you have to decide if you can live with it or if you need to bail out

  • What is going on in my home? 

    From what you describe there are a lot of thing going on here - he is stuggling with things that are pushing him into tantrums (they don't sound like meltdowns as they are so short lived) is suffering rejection (ie you moving out of the shared bed) and I susepect he thinks the relationship is on the skids which is triggering him.

    There seems to be some autistic behaviour, a fair degree of entitement and a dollop of asshattery on the go here too.

    Both of you are going through some really challenging stuff and - in my opinion - need to get yourselves a relationship therapist who really understands autism so they can help you defuse the situation and start working on getting you where you can be happier.

    He also needs to get a therapist skilled in helping autistic, older males and work with them to work on his own issues. This can be the same as the couples therapist if they offer he service but you need to agree what info can be shared between the personal and couples sessions to ensure his privacy.

    Time to call in the professionals.

    But remember I am just some random off the internet so don't do what I say without doing your own research.

    Good luck.

  • In my view autism is no excuse for being abusive. I am autistic, and in 28 years of marriage and four years of a relationship before marriage, I have never once raised my voice to my wife. 

    Sometimes, autistic people get emotionally overwhelmed and 'meltdown' or 'shutdown'. If your partner is in frequent autistic meltdown or just having many 'hissy-fits', it does not really matter for your wellbeing, it amounts to the same thing - abuse. You said, "I cannot eat around him. I can't relax around him. He makes me so anxious because I never know what is going to cause another fit". I think that this says it all, whatever the cause, his behaviour is ruining your quality of life. I think he has to try to actively address his problems and the effect they are having on you.

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    I’m very sorry to hear of the difficulties that you and your partner are experiencing.

    You might find these resources helpful (including their further links):

    NAS - Autism and anger management - a guide for carers and parents

    NAS - Meltdowns

    NAS - Distressed behaviour

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