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Not sure, but having a strong feeling about being autistic

Daniel_EC

Hello everyone. I feel quite lost and lonely, because I think I´ve tried everything, using all my energy, to fit in. This has been the story of my life since I was about 5 or 6, when everything turned from awesome and exciting to scary and weird. I slowly turned from sociable an enthusiastic about knowing people into a socially awkward kid, and I always thought it was because I was dumb, or ugly, or simply ashamed because of something I never quite identified. I was supposed to be smart, because I learned to read at around the age of three, and had this sort of great memory and kind of easy learning way. But in terms of getting along with people, I have always been so out of place, trying so hard to be like the rest, but achieving exactly de opposite. It has been always so confusing, because I can tell that my life has been pretty normal, except from my social clumsiness. But the thing is that everyone aroun me except my family has put distance from me, for one reason or the other. I have been almost convinced of being a bad person myself, but if I check the events of my life, I cannot find anything that I could have done, to deserve others being mad at me because of something bad I could had done. I just cannot understand how to behave, how to engage in a conversation, I always force myself to laugh at jokes people make or to find the right thing to say, but I almost never succeed, and it is also really emotionally exausting. I actually do not find what people usauly say interesting, or funny, so it is like faking all the time, which makes me feel like a hypocrite. I have just recently realised that maybe it is something deeper than just a social anxiety or clumsiness, but that I have so insistently tried to control that I have built this "normal" appeareance, that makes people think that I am just shy, or dumb, or mean. To be honest, I cannot even be sure anymore about how people may see me. Sometimes I feel like I have been living a dellusion my whole life, and that people around me just think of me as a weird guy that it is better to avoid or ignore, even though I know that my life is much more common than that. I just go through hell everyday trying to be normal, to overcome my anxiety and start acting like everybody else, but it seems to be unlikely. I am a Clinical Psychologsist, and when I was doing my undergraduate studies I found aspects of autism so familiar that I thought it could be my case, but the fact that it is just around my social life, but not in motricity or language (apart form a slight difficulty in articulating some words, maybe out of anxiety) I dropped the idea. Recently I have been thinking a lot about it, because it is so frustrating that the more I try, the harder fitting in gets, and learned about hiperempathy, that I can totally relate to, which I read that could be something common in autism too. Despite I find it so hard to interact with others, it is not that I am not aware of their feelings, but the opposite: I am oversensitive to them, and it is common that I find myself suffering deeply if other people feel bad. If I accidentally make someone feel uncomfortable or sad, it is like an obsession to me, i feel awful and cannot find relief, until Iget to know that the person is ok. And even then, I would still be thing insistently in it. I think that findind out that what I am has anything to do with autism would be like a salvation to me, because I hate this feeling of being so different, so atypical, and not having any explanation to it. I would like to know if all this I have written sound familiar to anyone here somehow. I tried to live with the idea that I am just a loner, or that I have a personality disorder, or that it is just anxiety, but none of this feels like the truth. I cannot believe that after all these years of effort, failure is due to just lack of intelligence or that I haven´t just done enough. I refuse to accept that I do not fit literally anywhere. Before I go to a professional, I need some kind of sign that this is the truth for me, I guess. 

Parents

  • Hi Daniel and welcome to the community!

    Many of us here are "late realised" and/or "late diagnosed", so you're in good company! :)

    Whilst the information that you've shared could be consistent with autism, we can't offer medical advice here, and the professionals involved in assessments also consider a lot of additional information.

    Whilst I'm very mindful of your professional qualifications, I'll say what I would say to anyone else in terms of advice; so please don't feel I'm being rude or disrespectful in doing so - I hope it's still helpful.  

    If you haven't yet seen them, you might like to read through the various resources in the NAS's recently revamped diagnosis hub:

    NAS - diagnosis hub

    They cover all stages of the process, with each section containing several articles relating to that stage:

    • Before diagnosis
    • Assessment and diagnosis 
    • After diagnosis 

    For example, these articles (from "Before diagnosis") would perhaps make for a particularly timely read:

    NAS - Signs that a child or adult may be autistic

    NAS - How to request an autism assessment

    If you live in England, you might like to read about requesting an assessment via Right to Choose (which enables access to private providers who might have shorter waiting lists than the NHS, but with your referral and assessment still fully funded by the NHS).

    Some examples of Right to Choose providers are listed here, for example:

    ADHD and ASD assessment – Right To Choose

    In case you're not yet familiar with them, the NAS articles include links to some screening questionnaires that you might like to complete, to get a better idea of whether your suspicions might be correct. You might prefer to use the website below for this, rather than the versions linked in the NAS article.

    The site provides some very useful commentary for each questionnaire, and also enables them to be completed online (with scores calculated for you), saved as PDFs and - if the results support your suspicions and you decide to seek a formal diagnosis - printed off to take with you to the GP.

    The AQ-10 or AQ-50 seem to be the most frequently used / required by GPs in support of NHS referrals. (RAADS-R might also be helpful, although some recent research has thrown doubt on its validity as a screening tool):

    Embrace Autism - screening tests

  • in reply to Bunny

    Hi Daniel, everything you have said makes complete sense to me and I am looking for answers too. I am nearly 50 years old and had an awful time as a child. While that part of my life I have moved on from for the most part, I know deep down that the reason my parents emotionally couldn't engage with me (or chose not to) was partly because I am 'different'. I am waiting for an assessment for Autism and I have been waiting for a year. I too am a professional in the mental health field - a psychotherapist. I have worked in SEN schools and with various charity's coming across neurodivergence all of the time and I understood the neurodivergent service user more than I did their parent or chaperone! So I knew that there was something in that. The isolation and not being understood or heard is so common but yet so confusing and heart breaking at the same time. Many people still don't understand Autism, including myself at times if I am honest because we are all individuals at the same time - I'm sure as a clinical psychologist I am not telling you things you don't already know. I believe I know how to be a therapist with a client with Autism but to navigate the world as an Autistic person where you are sensitive to all sorts of stimuli, feel like you do not fit in, feel better alone but that has its consequences, and are treated like you are the odd one out or are putting spanner in the works for others, is often because other people do not understand US, it is not at all because we are worthy of less interaction or should be pushed out. I have been a loner most of my life or at least made to feel like one, I have struggled socially all of the time, I work in my own private practice so work alone, I don't understand social norms and quite frankly often rebel against them! Not sure if this is good or not, or at a detriment to myself, but I feel a strong sense of moral justice (I find this very common in neurodivergent people). I also understand that we cannot all understand all types of clinical diagnosis to have empathy or sympathy for everyone is not considered 'normal'. What is normal anyway?? My GP said to me that he felt that putting my a referral through for an assessment given that I work in mental health and work with neurodivergence will give me some professional consideration - GP's are not always this supportive however. It sounds like you would like a referral. You are entitled just like anyone else out there to be asking questions and to find out what you want to know. Sometimes we can feel shame around asking, just like when we are shamed for being 'different'. Being 'different' can be a liberating thing and it can also be quite scary. This is the first time I have used this platform and I am so glad I have come across your message, thank you for sharing how you feel. It has been very valuable to me. I wish you all the very best, A.  

Reply
  • in reply to Bunny

    Hi Daniel, everything you have said makes complete sense to me and I am looking for answers too. I am nearly 50 years old and had an awful time as a child. While that part of my life I have moved on from for the most part, I know deep down that the reason my parents emotionally couldn't engage with me (or chose not to) was partly because I am 'different'. I am waiting for an assessment for Autism and I have been waiting for a year. I too am a professional in the mental health field - a psychotherapist. I have worked in SEN schools and with various charity's coming across neurodivergence all of the time and I understood the neurodivergent service user more than I did their parent or chaperone! So I knew that there was something in that. The isolation and not being understood or heard is so common but yet so confusing and heart breaking at the same time. Many people still don't understand Autism, including myself at times if I am honest because we are all individuals at the same time - I'm sure as a clinical psychologist I am not telling you things you don't already know. I believe I know how to be a therapist with a client with Autism but to navigate the world as an Autistic person where you are sensitive to all sorts of stimuli, feel like you do not fit in, feel better alone but that has its consequences, and are treated like you are the odd one out or are putting spanner in the works for others, is often because other people do not understand US, it is not at all because we are worthy of less interaction or should be pushed out. I have been a loner most of my life or at least made to feel like one, I have struggled socially all of the time, I work in my own private practice so work alone, I don't understand social norms and quite frankly often rebel against them! Not sure if this is good or not, or at a detriment to myself, but I feel a strong sense of moral justice (I find this very common in neurodivergent people). I also understand that we cannot all understand all types of clinical diagnosis to have empathy or sympathy for everyone is not considered 'normal'. What is normal anyway?? My GP said to me that he felt that putting my a referral through for an assessment given that I work in mental health and work with neurodivergence will give me some professional consideration - GP's are not always this supportive however. It sounds like you would like a referral. You are entitled just like anyone else out there to be asking questions and to find out what you want to know. Sometimes we can feel shame around asking, just like when we are shamed for being 'different'. Being 'different' can be a liberating thing and it can also be quite scary. This is the first time I have used this platform and I am so glad I have come across your message, thank you for sharing how you feel. It has been very valuable to me. I wish you all the very best, A.  

Children
  • in reply to Amanda.J.B.

    Hey. I really appreciate your answer. This might be the very first time in my life that I learned about someone else actually understanding this about me. Thanks for taking the time to write all this, I feel relieved. I identify with almost everything you describe, and that means a lot to me. Wish you the best too :-)