I'm 36, and I was recently diagnosed with both Autism and ADHD (AuDHD).
One of my traits is delayed processing of negative social interactions. For example, if someone subtly insults me, the incident is burned into my memory, but I freeze or get so confused that I am unable to respond in the moment. I then ruminate and analyze the irrational behavior after a few days.
It's generally true that I don't expect to be insulted at work, but there are a lot of idiots and toxic managers out there in the software industry.
I'll give you an example from a previous manager:
I made a mistake on one project. I had high scores on all my performance reviews, and even this manager said I was the best in the department at a specific topic. However, I slipped up once in 2.5 years.
He sat me down during a meeting and said, "Was she meant to be a software engineer?" There was no context for the meeting or even any previous discussion about the situation.
As someone with years of experience, who has delivered many features over the years, and graduated from a prestigious university, I found that to be profoundly offensive.
Arguably, even a neurotypical person would find his behavior ridiculous and see that comment as a put-down rather than a meaningful conversation to address an issue.
Days later, after my brain processed the interaction, I mentioned it to him. He was mortified and wondered why I didn't address it in the moment. It's because I can't! My brain doesn’t work that way.
I tried to be more assertive and he told me that I was a 'bossy woman'.
It greatly affects my wellbeing causing anxiety and rumination.
This particular person does this often and it was not just a one-time incident. He seemed to lack communication skills and self-awareness.
This cycle often happens after the other person has forgotten the interaction (although that could also be gaslighting). If an interaction at work is not memorable and meaningful enough to remember, then I don't understand why it is occurring.
You could suggest that these managers are incompetent and perhaps I should not be working for them.
Can you suggest any strategies to handle this conundrum?
