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Effect of diagnosis on long-term friendship

Volvox

I have a friend called B who I have known for over 50 years (we are in our 70s). A few years ago she realised that she is autistic and it became obvious that she is – she was able to stop shielding (at least with me) and be more herself. This is lovely for her but not so much for me! I find it very difficult to adapt to the "new" B with her need to, for instance, find exactly the right table in a restaurant regardless of what I think, or wander off without telling me so that I worry. And when stressed she will ring me and talk – and talk – and talk – last time it was over an hour before she drew breath. If I interrupt she can get really angry. I explained in a rather careful email that this makes me feel invisible and used, but she replied that she can't help it, she has no control. What am I to do? I find that I am patronising her when we're out and about, telling her how to behave, and I don't like that, she's supposed to be my equal, a responsible adult. And with the monologue phone calls, I am afraid I will just put the phone down one day and upset both of us. She's turned into the sort of friend I wouldn't choose and I miss how she used to be, and I don't know what to do.

Parents

  • I do not believe that being autistic is a blanket licence to behave badly. Sometimes, sensory or emotional overwhelm can result in autistic people being unable to control their actions, but the interactions you are having do not appear to fit this sort of situation. You have as much right to be treated with respect as your autistic friend. I would make that plain to them. All friendships should involve a reasonably equal amount of give and take, if one person is giving and the other taking all the time, it is not a friendship.

  • in reply to Martin

    Thank you Martin, that's what I believe… I think. I am not good at "making it plain" and she isn't good at picking up subtleties! I have had periods in life when I suffered panic attacks and dissociative episodes so I do understand the feeling of being overwhelmed, but I always tried to deal with them myself, not affect other people. I need to be braver in explaining to her. It strikes me that "masking", which she's been doing till a few years ago, means moderating her behaviour to fit into society, and perhaps she needs to call on that ability when other people are involved. If you know what I mean!

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  • in reply to Martin

    Thank you Martin, that's what I believe… I think. I am not good at "making it plain" and she isn't good at picking up subtleties! I have had periods in life when I suffered panic attacks and dissociative episodes so I do understand the feeling of being overwhelmed, but I always tried to deal with them myself, not affect other people. I need to be braver in explaining to her. It strikes me that "masking", which she's been doing till a few years ago, means moderating her behaviour to fit into society, and perhaps she needs to call on that ability when other people are involved. If you know what I mean!

Children
  • in reply to Martin

    Gosh, that's exactly my experience both for my friend and for me observing her, particularly the "bailing out". I need to nudge her into thinking of others a little bit more. She tends to live inside her head half the time (by her own admission) and sometimes misses what's going on around her.

  • in reply to Volvox

    I'm autistic and manage to be considerate to others, it is possible. I mask fairly seamlessly and it does not cause me distress, just exhaustion, if I am in social situations that are too intense or that last too long. If this happens, I try to 'bail out' and have some alone-time. Unmasking in autistics can have positive effects, but can also be quite negative. This is both to to the autistic person and those who interact with them.