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Effect of diagnosis on long-term friendship

Volvox

I have a friend called B who I have known for over 50 years (we are in our 70s). A few years ago she realised that she is autistic and it became obvious that she is – she was able to stop shielding (at least with me) and be more herself. This is lovely for her but not so much for me! I find it very difficult to adapt to the "new" B with her need to, for instance, find exactly the right table in a restaurant regardless of what I think, or wander off without telling me so that I worry. And when stressed she will ring me and talk – and talk – and talk – last time it was over an hour before she drew breath. If I interrupt she can get really angry. I explained in a rather careful email that this makes me feel invisible and used, but she replied that she can't help it, she has no control. What am I to do? I find that I am patronising her when we're out and about, telling her how to behave, and I don't like that, she's supposed to be my equal, a responsible adult. And with the monologue phone calls, I am afraid I will just put the phone down one day and upset both of us. She's turned into the sort of friend I wouldn't choose and I miss how she used to be, and I don't know what to do.

Parents

  • I feel like you’re very conflicted, which is good. It shows that you care about this friendship and seeking advice probably means that you’re willing to work on it and yourself. The thing is that she probably really can’t help it and I heard a lot of people talking about losing friends after starting the process of unmasking (or “unshielding”, I honestly quite like the term you’re using) since they’ve been a completely different person their entire lives. You’ve already made an extraordinarily brave step by writing this e-mail. I think it would be beneficial for both of you now to get together in person. Talk about the points you’re struggling the most with (choose a limited number of issues to tackle like a top 5, otherwise it will be overwhelming). You tell her why this bothers you while making clear that you’re not upset with her being herself (at least I don’t feel like that’s the issue here). Instead you tell her exactly why you’re sometimes struggling to adapt to her true self and then you could work out shared agreements for when that happens. To what degree are you both able and willing to compromise? The goal here should not be to force your friend back behind the “shield” but to help you to adapt to this change. There’s a good chance that your friend doesn’t even really understand why some of those things you’re mentioning trouble you.

    In the end you’ll both have to think about if or to what extent you might have to redefine your relationship. Ask yourselves: Would I betray myself by changing this behaviour? If the answer is yes, then maybe you shouldn’t change it, if the answer is no, think about why you’re not willing to adapt. (E.g. Is it actually important to you to have a word in where to sit in a restaurant or are you just struggling to adapt to this change?)

    Communicate direct and clearly. Ask questions if you don’t understand something (e.g. I’m sure there are many reasons why your friend wants to control your seating in a public location. Sometimes sitting in a corner can be much more comfortable sensory wise than sitting in the middle of the chaos around you.)

    Quick note: Please be aware that I am not officially diagnosed as autistic and I have little experience with those kind of issues, so this is very unprofessional advice. Hope it helps nonetheless.

  • in reply to Emmalephant

    Thank you for your very thoughtful reply Emmalephant. I am indeed very conflicted. I find it very comforting that I'm not alone – you say the situation is not uncommon. I do try and explain to B why her behaviour is difficult for me but either she doesn't understand or more likely it's just a laugh and "oh I know, that's what I'm like" ie she can't take my discomfort/pain seriously. The restaurant example – I do understand that she wants the "best" place for her which is fine but not at the expense of being rude to a waitress (eg moving tables five times!) and embarrassing me. I suspect that she genuinely believes that her needs and feelings take precedence over others because she is autistic. Unfortunately I don't agree.

  • in reply to Volvox

    It’s important to acknowledge that her needs might be different and more intense than yours. Of course that doesn’t mean they’re more important. Nonetheless, without trying to dismiss your concerns and discomfort, sometimes the intensity of a need matters. Being in a situation a neurotypical person would deem uncomfortable can trigger a fight-or-flight-mode for an autistic person. It’s important to keep that in mind. 
    I hope you two will work it out but if not, that’s not the end of the world, sometimes we have to accept that a person is not the right company, that doesn’t mean they’re not a good and lovable person, just not the right fit for you personally.

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  • in reply to Volvox

    It’s important to acknowledge that her needs might be different and more intense than yours. Of course that doesn’t mean they’re more important. Nonetheless, without trying to dismiss your concerns and discomfort, sometimes the intensity of a need matters. Being in a situation a neurotypical person would deem uncomfortable can trigger a fight-or-flight-mode for an autistic person. It’s important to keep that in mind. 
    I hope you two will work it out but if not, that’s not the end of the world, sometimes we have to accept that a person is not the right company, that doesn’t mean they’re not a good and lovable person, just not the right fit for you personally.

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