• Replies 2 replies
  • Subscribers 81 subscribers
  • Views 307 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Afraid of losing touch with Son /Step Son

NAS96311

My wife and I are concerned about our future relationship with her youngest son , and my step son.

He is a releatively high functioning lad , who on the surface would come across as a perfectly capable young man. He is 24 , good looking , athletically built , and (when he is able) thoroughly charming lad. After considerable struggles getting his degree he is also now in Cardiff (we are in Surrey) doing a Masters in Physio.

So you would think everything was just fine, unfortunately he has just cut off all communication with us.

Up unitl the Summer he had been living with us (for the last year or so). During that time he shut himself off totally from talking to us, and whilst we understand that he needs his own space it is hard to deal with.

Although we have been together the last 20 years we also decided to get married a month or so ago. Unfortunately he didn't come to ur wedding  and never mentioend a word about it to us.

My wife and her ex (his father) have always supported him from when he had his early diagnosis. When I met my wife he was around 4 and for all his childhood he had a stable and loving upbringing. He was and still has a lovely nature and his well liked . Due to his build he was also a very good rugby player and exceptional runnner in his teens.

As he got into his later teens we noticed he started to get more distant , and we are well aware that this might be the time that he really starts to notice how things are different for him in certain sutuations.

We know we have to be patient and are always hopefull that he will be able to meet his own needs , whilst recognising that we are not a threat to him .

The problem is that we feel a bit in the dark and slightly helpless.

It would be good to talk to those who have been in this situation and have come out the other side.

Many thanks 

Richard

   

 

  • in reply to Iain

    Thanks for coming back Iain I’m sure you’re right when you say he needs to show he can be independent.
    He does want to prove to himself , I think that he can make his own way, which is good.

    i hope in time , as you say , he will slowly start to realise that he doesn’t need to *** us out for this to happen Thumbsup

  • NAS96311 said:
    Up unitl the Summer he had been living with us (for the last year or so). During that time he shut himself off totally from talking to us

    It would be helpful to look back at the events leading up to this - where was he living just beforehand, who with and would they have been influential in any alienation?

    I think there is also a degree of a "flying the nest" response being involved here due to the timing of it. Your marriage could have been a major contributing factor in him seeing the family unit as no longer suitable for him so he may have taken himself out of it to give you the space back.

    At that age the desire for independence is instinctual too and with his autism contributing then he may well see it in a black and white way that he needs to cut off the old life to start the new one.

    I know when I did leave home at age 20 to get my own house (I had left for uni 3 years previously and lived on my own) then I would only call my parents every 3 weeks or so - they were a symbol of what I had outgrown, a reminder of when I was less able, inexperienced, weaker and dependant.

    It took a year or two for me to start to realise that I was over-reacting and slowly my relationship returned to normal. and I spoke to them weekly and visited a few times a year (they were 400 miles away).

    In your situation I would give him space, offer him your support and love, invite him to the odd family event and let him grow out of it.

    All just in the opinion of some random off the internet of course - just sharing my thoughts and experience.