• Replies 6 replies
  • Subscribers 81 subscribers
  • Views 524 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Boundaries

Dana

Hello. I often discuss with my friend from Switzerland, who is usually flirting with me. We set up a Signal account to have private chats one month ago. There is an issue though. It is only me who initiates the conversations, and sending him different stories and pictures. 

He used to initiate the private conversations on WhatsApp. He was even willing to send any story and picture. I understand he is now busy with his own problems. 

I should have set up some boundaries with him. I always told him he can send anything because I sent him many times. So what would be the best approach to tackle problems? He is now angry, frustrated, and is passive aggressive with me. Before he was cheerful and flirty guy. 

Should I confront him?

Thank you and have a nice day! Blush

  • in reply to Iain

    He is busy with a job as a carer, studying STEP courses for US law for requalification, fighting his case, going to choir, business idea, etc. He is staying in a friend's house. 

  • in reply to Dana
    Dana said:
    What would be the best approach?

    My approach would be to ease off the pressure, keep if lower key (ie keep it more friendly and less flirty) and don't expect much back while he is in his current state of business.

    He may legitimately not have the time for you at the moment so don't put him under pressure or he will see you as clingy and needy.

    Ask him (as a friend) about what is making him so busy, how it make him feel and support him. If he passes through this phase and still doesn't have time for you then it looks like he has just moved on - it happens sometimes.

    You should keep your options open if anyone else comes along as well - you are not in a relationship so have no expectation of fidelity.

  • in reply to Dana

    What would be the best approach?

  • in reply to Iain

    I understand your perspective. 

    My friend was the one who initially wanted to build sexual tension. He used to do that on WhatsApp. After a while, he told me that I can't send him anything because it is public, so we decided to set up Signal. 

    I talked to him about his sudden coldness one month ago. He said he is busy with obligations and formalities, so he can't be online everytime. 

    Apparently it is me who is building sexual tension. We go on Signal late at night. We still have normal conversations on WhatsApp though. I have a chance to express my personality and opinions. 

  • Dana said:
    I understand he is now busy with his own problems. 
    Dana said:
    Should I confront him?

    In your shoes I would give him space as if he is busy then he may not have the energy to match yours for now.

    If you are still only in the friend zone then don't damage this by being pushy, confrontational and needy - these are probably not appealing qualities to him right now.

    Is there realistically a next stage for you? Can you meet regularly IRL to have a relationship or will it be all virtual? If if is the latter then I suspect he enjoyed the thrill of the attention but it is wearing off and has no chance to go further so he is not invested any more, but if there is a chance for the relationship then ease off, let him deal with what he is going through and maintain light contact for a few months to see if he tries to re-engage in the relationship.

    If he wants to re-engage then that is the time to set boundaries and talk about the format for the relationship but I would prepare yourself mentally that it may have run its course (i.e. prepare for the worst and hope for the best) and consider moving on.

    Distance relationships are always really difficult to make work in my experience so maybe try something closer to home next time.

  • He was the one who suggested to build sexual tension. Now it is only me who is doing that.