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First romantic relationship as an older adult

deductress

Hey,

I'm looking for advice/people's experiences please.

I'm in my mid-thirties, never had a romantic partner. Always been a romantic but just never understood how I make that happen really.

Someone recently reached out to me, asked if I'd be interested in having a coffee. I said yes, as thought I should give it a go.

He has been messaging me a lot, which I find a bit stressful as I like to be left to my own devices but a friend reassured me that was normal so I've been messaging him back. Tonight I met him for coffee, I didn't speak to much, let him speak. He was very nice, gave me flowers and didn't push for anything.

But I've come away from the experience unbelievably anxious, I have a kind of 'wrong' feeling and ended up digging out my tangle stim toy which I've not used for over a decade just to settle my nerves.

I have had this feeling a couple of other times in my life, and I did stick at it and ended up enjoying the events that followed despite the initial feeling of wrong.

My question is; have others had similar reactions to their first date/first romantic interactions? Or did it feel okay from the start? Did you know it was right? Was it easy to process or too much?

This may be my only chance at having a romance, so I'm keen to try but I'm so overwrought I feel physically sick and I'm not sure if that's normal or not.

I'm very ignorant on relationships so would be grateful for people to tell me their experiences if acceptable. I have two NT friends, but I think I'd find it hard to explain this anxiety to them, so looking for others who understand to advise.

(He is not aware I have autism, nor that this was my first ever date - I didn't want any pity.)

Thank you.

Parents

  • I had my first romantic experience at age 30, so I'm not far behind you. For me, well, for starters, I'm male. And this was a long distance thing. So our experiences have some important distinctions. But for me, when the woman I was getting close with asked to be my girlfriend, what I felt wasn't what I expected to feel. I liked her, and I wanted to be closer with her. I could feel myself caring more deeply for her than I had any person I've ever met. I said yes to her. But what I felt more than anything at that time, was similar to what you're expressing. That I might never have another chance at a relationship, so I should go for it and have this experience, instead of avoid it and live to regret it.

    While she and I aren't romantically involved anymore, what I can tell you is that from my experience, I learned a lot about myself that I never would have had the chance to learn if I'd turned her down. I know that, for the difficulties I have, I can actually be a very caring and loving person. And while I regret how things turned out between me and this woman, I know now that if I were to have another chance with someone, I do have good qualities to offer them.

    You say you're a romantic, and judging from how you describe this fellow's behaviour, he seems to be the romantic sort too. What do you think it is about this situation that is causing you anxiety?

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  • I had my first romantic experience at age 30, so I'm not far behind you. For me, well, for starters, I'm male. And this was a long distance thing. So our experiences have some important distinctions. But for me, when the woman I was getting close with asked to be my girlfriend, what I felt wasn't what I expected to feel. I liked her, and I wanted to be closer with her. I could feel myself caring more deeply for her than I had any person I've ever met. I said yes to her. But what I felt more than anything at that time, was similar to what you're expressing. That I might never have another chance at a relationship, so I should go for it and have this experience, instead of avoid it and live to regret it.

    While she and I aren't romantically involved anymore, what I can tell you is that from my experience, I learned a lot about myself that I never would have had the chance to learn if I'd turned her down. I know that, for the difficulties I have, I can actually be a very caring and loving person. And while I regret how things turned out between me and this woman, I know now that if I were to have another chance with someone, I do have good qualities to offer them.

    You say you're a romantic, and judging from how you describe this fellow's behaviour, he seems to be the romantic sort too. What do you think it is about this situation that is causing you anxiety?

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