What it feels like to reach out to people.

Paraducks said:

I feel like I have to constantly push to get any kind of communication with people that aren't my parents

This is pretty normal in your situation.

I used to work overseas for up to years at a time and I found I lacked the energy to keep the friendships going that I had grown over many years. It is the same with relationships that are done over long distance with infrequent contact - I do not know of any that have lasted from anyone who has done it.

Paraducks said:

I personally prefer that people message me rather than the other way around

I get this, but if you are not pulling your weight in a relationship then it is quite normal for the other person to think you are either lazy of disinterested and will slowly pull away. Once you understand you have to give as well as take and make the effort to do this, you will find it easier to keep friends.

Paraducks said:

It's only now that i'm alone in the truest sense of the word that i've come to realise my flaw, and i'm not sure how to correct it.

All you can do is learn from your mistakes, apply those lessons and try again, this time knowing more about the social expectations and puting in the work to be accepted. The alternative is solitude which has its appeal but it wears thin pretty fast.

My advice is to educate yourself - this book is a good starting point:

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Temple Grandin, Sean Barron (2005)
ISBN: 9781941765388

I think you will find it worthwhile - it worked for me

Iain said:

My advice is to educate yourself - this book is a good starting point:

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Temple Grandin, Sean Barron (2005)

I appreciate the book recommendation, thank you. Do you know if it is available on Kindle at all? I ask because it's nearly 20 years old, and I doubt I will be able to read it until I am home in four months. I have found other books to be helpful, and I plan on visiting a library once I find a place to live full-time. I can't do it right now for fairly obvious reasons.

Iain said:

This is pretty normal in your situation.

I used to work overseas for up to years at a time and I found I lacked the energy to keep the friendships going that I had grown over many years. It is the same with relationships that are done over long distance with infrequent contact - I do not know of any that have lasted from anyone who has done it.

What I will say is fortunate is that I do keep in regular contact with online friends from back home to play D&D with once maybe every one or two weeks. It's taken a ton of work to get people to play with, and has me playing at stupid-o-clock, but it is a sacrifice I am willing to make for the sake of my mental health. (Albeit at the slight cost of my sleep going into a Saturday morning) Anything else has essentially fallen to the wayside.

Iain said:

I get this, but if you are not pulling your weight in a relationship then it is quite normal for the other person to think you are either lazy of disinterested and will slowly pull away. Once you understand you have to give as well as take and make the effort to do this, you will find it easier to keep friends.

What I find annoying is that a high amount of these people will never tell you what you have done wrong. They will just silently disappear, and then if you dare to reach out, *then* you get the backlash. Also, I do genuinely make active pushes to message people (included extended family) but they just never reply or worse, leave me on 'read'. I think my biggest issue presently is my burnout from my existing hobbies, and not knowing what hobbies I should start learning about ahead of my return to the UK. (Not a whole lot I can do while in Thailand without having to read an extensive amount of Thai)

Iain said:

All you can do is learn from your mistakes, apply those lessons and try again, this time knowing more about the social expectations and puting in the work to be accepted. The alternative is solitude which has its appeal but it wears thin pretty fast.

I already made the executive mental decision that it would be extremely unhealthy for me to live in solitude. I have managed to strike a balance of living 'alone' while maintaining cordial relationships with my colleagues in Thailand, but I am acutely aware that these relationships are temporary until I return home. If I'm lucky I might be able to maintain loose connections with a couple of them, but I am doubtful. 

It's hard to "Learn from mistakes" when you are not told what your mistakes were. What I perceive my mistake here to be is not actively messaging people literally every day. Something I think would be more likely to be interpreted as me being desperate from people who don't understand my perspective. Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe that is what you are trying to tell me as well. (Which I admit is based on my lack of reading of your book recommendation. I am happy to take extra suggestions if you have them!) Which to be clear, I am not offended at all by your comment. I am appreciative of your in-depth reply, it is something I will consider in more detail.

Paraducks said:

It's hard to "Learn from mistakes" when you are not told what your mistakes were.

The book does explain in some detail how the interactions are expected to go so you can use these as a template to overlay your experiences and see where the shortfalls were and what most likely contributed to the breakdown.

It will not be 100% clear cut but it should give enough info to make an educated guess.

Paraducks said:

Do you know if it is available on Kindle at all?

It is available on Libgen in epub format for a free download. Just search on the ISBN number, click on title, choose the first of the mirrors listed then Get - it will download it directly.

I use the .st suffix for Libgen but as with any links suggested by strangers, do lots of your own research and make sure you are fully protected if you choose to do this.

Paraducks said:

It's hard to "Learn from mistakes" when you are not told what your mistakes were.

The book does explain in some detail how the interactions are expected to go so you can use these as a template to overlay your experiences and see where the shortfalls were and what most likely contributed to the breakdown.

It will not be 100% clear cut but it should give enough info to make an educated guess.

Paraducks said:

Do you know if it is available on Kindle at all?

It is available on Libgen in epub format for a free download. Just search on the ISBN number, click on title, choose the first of the mirrors listed then Get - it will download it directly.

I use the .st suffix for Libgen but as with any links suggested by strangers, do lots of your own research and make sure you are fully protected if you choose to do this.