Being single on the spectrum

Peter said:

There is a taboo (a stupid one in my opinion) in dating outside of your age range

I've dated about a decade either side of my age and had no social kickback about it so I'm not sure where the point is that this taboo activates. I suspect it is mostly a thing from generations gone by and not really a thing any more.

Peter said:

Most people want partners who are able bodied.

Not healthy does not need to mean physically disabled - there are mental issues (autism could technically be considered to be this), over/under weight, very unfit, having a lifelong condition (Huntingdons, genetic issues etc) or a range of other issues - these people are in some ways like us so we really should not be marginalising them just because they don't fit some rather random definition of healthy.

Peter said:

Lots of single chidless men want women without children

I've dated a woman with a youngish child before and she was an amazing person - if we can see past our bias against these people then it brings so many other options into your sphere.

The point here is that we seem to complain about society being hard for autists to date in and yet we put so many barriers in the way that don't need to be there and exlude many people in the way we are excluded outselves.

Cast a wider net and your chances of finding a suitable partner are greatly increased.

Honestly, I never ever tried.  I don't think the drive is really there, just a trick played by hormones and the lizard brain.

The higher brain says "meh.".

We really ought to have a dating and mating stratergies thread. One place too pool what's worked and what hasn't for autistic people on the forum

Iain said:

I'm not sure if you realise but having such a restrictive list as this is going to narrow your pool of potential targets to almost nothing and then you also have all the neurotypicals (typically better appicants than us) also going after this desirable target.

I'm not sure it's that restrictive. In fact it's probably factors most people use. I mean most people want lovers who are unattached (thankfully). There is a taboo (a stupid one in my opinion) in dating outside of your age range however that tends to skew slightly younger for men looking for woman and vica versa so if 'younger' is just younger than you that's not so restrictive. Most people want partners who are able bodied. It horable but true. Lots of physically disabeled people really struggel to find a mate. So healthy isn't such a rare requirment depending on how you define it. Lots of single chidless men want women without children in fact thats fairly standard. As for in good standing, I've no idea what he even means? Maybe not an ex convict? Again not a rare ask.

But hey if not, one day robots and virtual reality will fill in lol.

I wouldn't say it's restrictive, just a set of basic standards that seem to be in decline now, like many things.

Secondly, I read the other threads and they were depressing to read.  I'm not as butthurt as the other guy and have a somewhat better view of myself.

I don't feel I have to mask so much and I can cope for as long as I need to. 

It's just not a buyer's market at this point in time, so to speak.

esoteric said:

Also a lack of suitable candidates who are young, healthy, unattached, in good standing and childfree.

I'm not sure if you realise but having such a restrictive list as this is going to narrow your pool of potential targets to almost nothing and then you also have all the neurotypicals (typically better appicants than us) also going after this desirable target.

esoteric said:

I am a guy in my mid 30s who is morbidly curious in courtship and sexuality but unable to carry it out due to isolation and limited interpersonal skills

There is quite a lot about this on another recent thread here:

 Being on the spectrum is making me undateable 

If you want to start engaging with neurotypicals to date them then it will probaby require a lot of effort on your part. - firstly by learning the rules of social interactions so you make less mess ups in the early interactions and secondly by learning to mask effectively to also survive in the dating stages until you can gague if the person is going to be accepting of your peculiarities.

It will cost a lot of mental energy to mask and make sure you are not breaking the social rules initially but if you find a partner who looks like they would be accepting of your autism then you can slowly let the mask down and be more authentic around them.

Good luck - it isn't easy so you have to want it enough to make it worth the effort.

Perhaps it's partly why lonely people die earlier, the constant supply of cortisol, the stress hormone, damaging the body and mind and no oxytocin from bonding with others to balance it out.

Hi esoteric, and welcome to the forum.

I’m a bit older than you but in much the same position and agree that it’s not fair.

I’ll be interested to see how others respond and what advice they may give you.