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Staying home or moving out?

Cayman

Hello all,

I am approaching a point in my life where I am now seriously considering my options on where to live in the next few years as I am extremely audio-sensitive. For a bit of context, I was diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD at an early age, I'm in my early 20's, and I am nearing the halfway point of my university degree in economics, business and finance.

Currently, I live with my parents, who are both in their late 50s, and my 18-year-old brother in a detached home. Whilst I am fortunate to have my own space, my family have not always been particularly understanding of my conditions and how they impact me. My sensory profile, in particular my hypersensitivity to sound, has been a regular cause of contention, especially between myself and my brother, with whom I have a near non-existent relationship. Even though informal agreements are in place to maintain a low level of sound, they aren't always upheld. Over the past few years, it feels like my condition has gotten worse to the point that I cannot help but feel continuously exhausted and on edge from the stress caused by worrying about sound. I have tried many solutions from earplugs to noise-cancelling headphones to therapy, and whilst it does help it does not resolve my problem.
I suspect the situation could improve drastically if my family were to consider moving people's bedrooms around so that my brother and I were further apart, but this idea is one my parents have strongly opposed in the past. It is for this reason I have been considering moving out as soon as I finish my degree and secure a job.

However, difficulty occurs when I look back on my first real experience living away from home. At the start of my degree, I moved into student accommodation specifically designed for those looking for a quiet experience. I lived in a detached building with only 10 other people, all of whom, myself included, had signed contracts agreeing to keep noise to a minimum. I had an upstairs corner ensuite room with only one neighbour. Most of my flatmates were friendly, relatively quiet and respectful.
Despite all of this, I lasted no more than a month before having to move back home. I was massively homesick and the stress was eating away at me. The conclusion I have drawn from this is that living in a flat or apartment almost certainly wouldn't be suitable. Even the idea of a terraced or semi-detached house terrifies me. I cannot cope with the idea of living close to other people and so this only leaves detached properties. 

As I am sure all of you are aware, the housing market in the UK is far from ideal. Houses are prohibitively expensive, with the average age of first-time buyers being in their mid-30s. Even with the decent career and income prospects associated with my degree, purchasing a house is by no means a quick solution. The idea of renting has crossed my mind, but given that I live in the South East of England, renting is ridiculously expensive. If I were to rent a detached property it would likely take up the majority, if not all, of my disposable income. That would eliminate my ability to save and likely leave me trapped in rented accommodation for the foreseeable future. 

One option that has been suggested to me by my ASD specialist counsellor, is that I use my earnings to construct an annexe on the family property. Our house sits on a quarter-acre of land so this could be doable. Having run this idea by my parents, they also seem on board. The issue is that higher-quality annexes, made from longer-lasting and more noise-isolating materials like brick, can cost well over £50,000. Even on a strong undergraduate salary that would still take some time to save for, and wouldn't leave me much money towards purchasing a car or pursuing a postgraduate qualification. 

As you can probably tell, I am massively conflicted. My environment is single-handily the most impactful variable in determining my levels of stress, depression and general quality of life. Given my experience with University accommodation, I don't even know if I would be able to cope with living away. From my research, I found a fair amount of empirical evidence which appears to indicate a good proportion of people on the spectrum end up staying at home. If I felt truly happy and content at home I suppose this wouldn't be an issue, but, as I specified earlier, that currently isn't the case.

Despite knowing (or at least thinking that I know) what kind of environment would best suit me, I am unsure of how to get there.

I would greatly appreciate being able to hear about the experiences others have had in the 'staying home or moving out' debate. I would also be massively grateful for any insight or advice that you can provide. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

  • in reply to Iain

    Hello, Iain, 

    Thank you for replying to my post. 

    Having given it some more thought since posting I feel inclined to agree with you. Moving out, given my specific requirements and the nature of the UK housing market, is not objectively feasible and likely will not be for some time. Therefore, I feel that staying at home, in my own annexe, is likely to be the best medium-term solution.

    I have attempted to discuss the idea of having the annexe financed through a loan scheme similar to what you have suggested but the discussion has not gotten very far. I get the impression my parents are either unwilling or financially unable to commit to such a project given its high cost. What was suggested, however, was that my parents would be willing to 'go halves' on the construction of a double garage with a flat built above. It's difficult to determine if this would be cost-effective for me, as I imagine the cost of building a small annexe is likely significantly less than building a double garage with a second floor. 

    I will say that I do like the idea of buying the land my annexe sits on and converting it into a property outright. The difficulty is, because of the shape of our plot, and the surrounding houses, the annexe would likely need to be built in the back garden, and would only be accessible by going around the side of the house, where there is little land. My parents have little to no pension and eventually plan on selling the house and downgrading to retire, and I suspect that having a separate property in the back garden would massively hurt the resale value unless I also agreed to sell my plot to the prospective buyer. Either way, this makes me think I could only really live in the annexe as long as my parents owned the property. It is for this reason that I describe the annexe as a 'medium-term' solution.

    The ear defender suggestion is a good call. However, sadly, I have tried this in the past and, like my noise-cancelling headphones and earplugs, only found it to be moderately effective in reducing stress. Because my University course is very lecture-heavy and many of my hobbies in some way require audio, I ended up opting for noise-cancelling headphones, which I can connect to my computer and devices, over industrial ear defenders. 

    I have spoken more about this situation with my ASD specialist this morning, and it has been suggested that I give my parents a couple of books to read relating to my conditions so that they may be able to better understand how and why my condition impacts me. They seem on board with the idea. Perhaps with a greater level of education and understanding on the topic, my family may be more willing to accommodate my conditions, thereby improving my life at home in the interim until I can afford to have an annexe built. They may dismiss the content of the books altogether, but I think it might be worth a shot.

    I would be curious to hear about what experiences people have had when dicussing  their conditions with their neurotypical family. This is something I haven't done in many years due to being dismissed in the past, but I am now in a far more educated position and, with the help of the books, hopefully my family will be too. 

  • You have already pointed out that the alternatives of moving out are not financially viable for your very specific needs so in your situation I think looking at the options at home are the best bet.

    Could you consider agreeing with your parents to have a home built on part of their property which they could pay for any you pay them back through an agreed loan scheme?

    Once paid off you could potentially agree a price to buy the land it sits on and create your own detatched property which you own outright at minimal cost to your parents.

    This way you could have the property built with suitable acoustic insulation and triple glazing etc which would make it the ideal base for you.

    As a stop-gap measure have you considered ear defenders to block out almost all the noise? They are not pretty but should be effective and give you the noise isolation you crave.