Hello, and thanks to anyone who bothers reading this.
I believe my partner is autistic, and he also believes so himself, but won't go to the extent to get himself referred to get a diagnosis. He has never been able to follow fiction (movie/cartoon/books), and was never able to engage in imaginary play, he has had a few areas of interest which he has kept since childhood, he sees the world in patterns and numbers, sees music in colours, he has patterns of self-soothing/stimming, he has a strong sense of right and wrong and he struggles terribly with sensory issues, including not liking hugs or touch.
He is a brilliant person and partner in many ways: he is incredibly clever, sees the world differently, hard-working and successful in his area of work. Despite his autistic traits, he is very good with all people, but especially vulnerable people or people who may struggle to build relationships with others. Although getting very nervous and thinking about things for weeks ahead of social gatherings, he manages those situations incredibly well to the outside world, and he quickly builds relationships. Very few would ever notice him being neurodivergent. He is very empathetic, too the extent he struggles setting boundaries as he is hypersensitive to others feelings and picks up when things are difficult even before the person nearly knows the problem themselves.
The challenges we however face in the everyday are very difficult; sounds and noises (forks and knives, eating sounds, plastic or any rustling, any noises moving about e.g when in the car or walking, tapping noises) makes it hard to eat and have dinners hence we don't get to speak much as he needs to put the TV on to a maximal noise. He cannot see people with a disability on tv, because then he cannot eat anymore and will need to throw away his dinner even though he hasn't eaten the whole day and has a physical job; he feels very bad for this and don't know why this is (not sure whether this is related to autism (possibly to over-empathy?)) . He struggles with textures of food and certain smells. This means I cannot make the things that I like or know from my own traditional cooking. Dinnertime is many times a week a very stressful affair, and sadly this is often the only time we properly have together in a busy everyday.
The lack of conversation is made worse by that when coming home from work (often at 8pm after a 12-hour working day) he will then be on his phone answering emails and will often get agitated if I interrupt or say anything as he focuses deeply on one thing and cannot be dusturbed. This makes me often nervous or unsure about when to talk or even what to talk about when we even first talk. By the time he finishes, he will need to have his second shower of the night because of sensory issues before going to bed. This is how most of our days go.
In some ways, I feel honoured that he can be a part of himself with me. The days after he came to terms with likely being autistic were beautiful; for the first time I could actually see it on him that he was autistic and it was as if he’d lost a mask and fully became himself. He has not had those moments since as he in the everyday is highly focused, determined, ‘hardened’ and emotionally unavailable. When trying to talk with him about it, he says he doesn't like the term ‘masking’ and that he doesn't see it as existing without a level of untruefulness.
Even though I try to understand how to communicate with him, I find it hard because to the outside world and how he came across when we first met, is so different to the person I see in the every day. I know that because a lot of his work is client facing, he probably spends a lot of his energy there. There are however moments where he is attuned, present, and an amazing and sweet partner, when he has less stress in his life (holidays), or moments we go out with other people, and this is what I stay for.
Does anyone have any advise how to cope in similar relationships? I'm feeling very worn emotionally and struggle to find my space in the relationship, whilst also being respectful and mindful of his needs.
He will not access any therapy or see a GP or any outside help.
Thanks,
Anna