TRIGGER WARNING: Detailed descriptions of meltdowns and shutdowns
It is a bit of a long read and I appreciate your time if you decided to read through the entire thing.
Hello everyone,
First post here! I am 24 years old and I received my official diagnosis at the end of September this year.
Although I suspected that I was autistic for years and researched my traits extensively prior to my diagnosis, I still sort of struggle to understand my meltdowns and shutdowns fully.
Based on my observations, they also seem to be different compared to other people's experiences, which keeps reinforcing that pesky impostor syndrome (which I did not realize until very recently that it is common for late diagnosed people).
Meltdowns
As for my meltdowns, they mostly happen at work (I work in a fairly busy office). They seem to start gradually, but escalate very quickly and I always have to leave my desk and go hide in the office toilet until it passes. Fortunately, I do not have the tendency to hit and harm myself during a meltdown and it usually lasts between a couple of minutes to around 15-20 mins. During a meltdown I completely lose control of my emotions, my brain feels like it is suffocating (I don't know if that makes sense, but I feel like it is the best way to describe it), I start sobbing uncontrollably and tense up my whole body to the point where it feels painful.
As it starts fading away, it feels like I am slowly coming to my senses, but a huge wave of fatigue washes over me, to the point where I wish to just go home, escape the demands of my workplace and be alone for some time. However at that point I must return to my desk and force myself continue with my tasks, as I have already used a bit of my sick days for that exact reason and I do not wish to be the next in line to be released due to poor attendance.
Shutdowns
As for my shutdowns, I think I might have experienced one yesterday, although I am not very sure. I could feel a meltdown starting to settle in due to the bright office lights and the lots of people talking loudly over each other. I knew I had to go and hide again, however this time I felt frozen, like I could not command my limbs to cooperate with me so I sat there and stared at the screen and put my earphones on so I can at least block out the voices. My meltdown seemed to pass, however at that point my concentration was completely gone, I could still hear everyone around me and I tried really hard to continue with my work, but all I could do was aimlessly click around (I was doing some sort of online training for my job, so I could give myself an excuse to avoid my main tasks, as they require my full undivided attention and concentration). I could comprehend what I was reading on the screen and what my colleagues near me were talking, however I felt like it was very difficult to talk and respond to my colleagues (restricted my responses to only single words) and that I wanted to go home and hide as soon as I can. When my shift ended I packed up my stuff, went home and immediately went to bed without talking to anyone.
I woke up a couple of hours ago and I seem to feel better, but even the tiniest sound and light that I could normally tolerate feels incredibly irritating. I still have to go to work today and I do not even know how I will manage. I can talk now, but I do it more slowly and quietly, as it feels like if I start talking in my normal tone and pace it would irritate me even more.
Is what I experienced yesterday and shutdown, a partial shutdown (if such thing even exists) or did I only manage to avoid a meltdown?
Thank you for reading through this and I hope you have a great day!