Advice on family relationships

I’m trying to look for some advice or maybe just to vent about something.

Im really struggling with family relationships and expectations. 

In the past I have been really close with my grandparents and use to see them every week with the rest of my family. However since covid we stopped going round every week and more recently because my nan has been unwell. 

to cut a long story short, she’s been recovering from an operation and i’ve only seen her a few times since. 

i struggled before with what to say and get really awkward socially with family (and mainly everyone). i was made to feel bad and got labelled as scared when i hadn’t gone to visit her in hospital. i mainly hadn’t gone because i was anxious about the train and other unpredictable aspects of travelling and the hospital. i’m not sure why i felt so anxious and worried about going to visit her, even now, i’ve had a few anxiety and panic attacks about it. 

i’ve thought about it and it’s not because im afraid to see her ill or wondering whether she looks ill as i’ve seen her a few times and she doesn’t look much different. i think im just really struggling on what to say. i never know what to say in situations like that, like do you ask how they are even though it’s obvious they aren’t ok? i never know how to respond either when people talk about themselves and their pain etc. 

i feel like a horrible person for avoiding seeing her and try to make excuses on why i can’t go. 

does anyone else struggle with this?