Published on 12, July, 2020
Whenever I see my peers being praised, I immediately feel this deep seated feeling of envy. It's nothing personal towards them, but it's this sense of "I don't think I'm ever going to get praised like that".
Or when I do, I don't have the ability to even recognise it. I almost need their help to point it out cos otherwise I'd go years before realising "oh actually it was quite cool that I did that thing".
I don't like that I have this trait, because sometimes it just hits me like a truck and it's horrible.
I realise that I do need validation for this reason. Obviously you can go too far with it, but we all want the people around us to say they like what we're doing (whatever it is), and I got fed up of being made to feel like that was unreasonable.
This is an interesting one. It is a question of feedback, I believe.
The person complementing another is also looking for subsequent feed back to validate the complement, and get that feel-good endorphin bump.
Since in my case anyway, I have what's now called "flat effect", I may be appreciative and enjoying a complement (or a welcome hug) and deeply desiring this positive feed back, but I am not openly delivering the requisite response to validate the giver in return - openly.
As a small child I would be envious of hugs and little endearments bestowed on others and wondered if they would get around to me. but they never did. It was a cabal I did not belong to.
I had to learn to respond in the right way: Study what people do in response to a complement and watch the giver of the complement respond positively to it.
I learned to realize a complement is a kind of gifting, accept and respond positively (flat effect and all) verbally, with words and allow the gifter the pleasure having given it. It is a beautiful feeling.
Start by giving a complement and study the response. We give before we get.
The compliment thing is interesting to me at the moment because I've given it some thought recently. We all have different upbringings and psychology. I think that, despite my father's absence, I was treated very well by my family - but I *still* don't like compliments! I've learned to not fight them from my 40s. Before then I'd ask all sorts of questions as to the reasoning. I'd assume manipulation of some sort (and often be right about this!). If I give them, I am being totally truthful. I think my wife has learned to value that (e.g. I can't do the "what do you think of this dress" dance that is common in NT relationships)